My Only Sunshine
by Panda Gravy
Summary: He paced the waiting room like an expectant parent. He felt like one, too. They all loved Logan and Camille more than anything, this baby was about to be just as much a part of their family as it was the happy couple's. Jagan. PG-13.
1. Chapter 1

**My Only Sunshine**

_He paced the waiting room like an expectant parent. He felt like one, too. They all loved Logan and Camille more than anything, this baby was about to be just as much a part of their family as it was the happy couple's._

**a/n: So this started out as a drabble fill for an anonymous prompt on Tumblr that said "****jagan daddies! james cries when he sees Logan holding his baby boy/girl/whatever, for the first time. You don't have to explain how they got the baby if you don't want." And, I'm so sorry, anon, this is not quite what you were expecting. But if you follow me on Tumblr (or read my fics) you know that I don't write anything like that. In the least. And you should probably know that I don't care for babies or children. At one point, the idea was to go with the "whatever" option and give them a dog, but I ended up with something worse. I truly am sorry. Especially since this has become a monster of a fic. This is the first part in what will inevitably be three. And all things aside, I hope you enjoy! Please review!**

**Warnings: Character death and baby.**

…

They'd been told there were complications. That's all. Sixteen hours of labor before they'd taken Camille into surgery and the only thing they could tell everyone in the waiting room was that there were complications. And James didn't have a clue what that meant.

He paced the waiting room like an expectant parent. He felt like one, too, same as he was sure Kendall and Carlos did. They all loved Logan and Camille more than anything, this baby was about to be just as much a part of their family as it was the happy couple's. But that word, "complications," it scared James. He knew it was a bad word. He didn't like anything that could be called complicated, much less something which could be called in its entirety a _complication._

Kendall reached out to grab his forearm and forced him to stop his anxious pacing. James still had a shaking hand at his mouth, though, chewing nails shorter than they deserved to be, and he looked at Kendall, who met him with a steady look. Kendall looked unfaltering, but James knew he was just as worried as the rest of them. Jennifer, who had fallen asleep about an hour ago, stirred a little against Carlos' shoulder, but her fingers stayed interlaced with his. His knee was bouncing wildly as it had been for hours, and James could tell that that word bothered him, too.

James gently wrested his arm from Kendall's hold and continued pacing. "You need to sit down," Kendall said quietly, but it echoed volumes in the practically silent 2AM waiting room.

"She's been in surgery for an hour, Kendall," James replied, a little surprised at the sharpness of his own voice, but he didn't stop moving.

"You're putting everyone else in here on edge," Kendall continued, making another grab for James' arm. He stepped out of reach, but stopped moving and glanced around the room. Logan's parents were nearby, both looking extremely worn out, but James hadn't seen either sleep a wink since he'd arrived almost twelve hours ago. He'd been at the studio working with Gustavo, doing alright on text updates from Kendall for awhile, but after five hours, he got fidgety and Kelly had convinced Gustavo they should all head to the hospital. Now Gustavo was snoring quietly—medication and surgery had done wonders over the years—on the other side of the room with Kelly curled up in a chair next to him, her coat wrapped around her. Mrs. Knight had said she wished she could be there, but she just couldn't take off from work and pull Katie from school back in Minnesota to fly out, so Kendall kept her updated until she went to sleep and said he'd call her in the morning. Camille's father had been let into the delivery room when a nurse had come to announce the "complications."

There were no other people in the waiting room besides the friends and family waiting on "Baby Mitchell," as it was called at the moment. Responsible Kendall was keeping all those absent up-to-date with texts, including Jo, somewhere in Europe filming a movie, and Lucy, on a big US tour.

Just as James reluctantly fell back into a seat next to Kendall, earning him an approving pat on the knee (which he swatted at in annoyance,) a tired and frenzied-looking nurse came into the waiting room and her eyes landed right on Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell, who hopped up immediately. The nurse didn't speak, just motioned for them to follow her and they grabbed their things and left.

James looked at Kendall briefly before jumping up and dashing to the door. Kendall hissed after him, "James! Get back here!" but it wasn't like James was doing anything wrong, so he didn't listen. He stopped at the door and looked down the hallway, just to see where the nurse was taking the Mitchells. He saw them disappear into a room and turned back to sit down again.

"She took them to a delivery room. Not the operation room," he informed Kendall quietly and Kendall clearly tried not to look impressed with James' deductive skills. Without saying anything in return, he took his phone out to send a round of texts.

Carlos looked between them, frowning, and spoke softly as to not wake Jennifer. "What does that mean? Does that mean everything's okay?" he asked, and although he was taking strides to be polite and quiet for his girlfriend, James could see his grip on her hand tighten a little. Hers unconsciously squeezed back with an accompanying sigh.

Kendall, unwilling to jump to any conclusions, positive or otherwise, was quick to answer, "It means they went into the delivery room, that's all."

James scowled and crossed his arms, looking away from Kendall. Why couldn't he just let them hope?

The nurse came back about half an hour later (too long a wait in James' opinion—he'd started pacing again and Kendall hadn't tried to stop him this time) and she looked much calmer than before, but… something about her expression put James on edge as he took a step towards her. She looked straight at them when she said, "James, Kendall, and Carlos?"

"That's us!" James nodded frantically and came straight to her. "That's us. Is it over? Can we go in now?"

The nurse took a breath, but just nodded after a second. James didn't look to see if Kendall and Carlos were behind him as he hurried around the nurse, not bothering to wait for her to lead him to the room. He saw where it was, he didn't need directions.

He stopped when he got to the door, though, standing there with his hands on either side of the wide frame. He'd been expecting a room of smiles, tired, yes, but smiles nonetheless, Logan standing at the bed with a sleepy Camille holding their baby, Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell looking on nearby with Mr. Roberts, all proud grandparents now. Logan would practically bounce at the sight of his best friends, might as well be his brothers, and excitedly wave them over to see his child. James would get to hold the baby first because he was the first there and he'd hold that over Kendall's head for all of eternity.

But that wasn't even close to what he saw. The room was practically empty. No bustling grandparents, no smiling faces, and most of all, no tired new mother in the bed. Logan sat in the room alone. Well, almost alone. There was a bundle of blankets in his arms, but he wasn't looking at it, he was just staring ahead, eyes unfocused and lips parted slightly, and it seemed like he was completely unaware of his surroundings. His eyes were swollen and rimmed red, and his cheeks looked ruddy, a little streaked.

James swallowed as he felt Kendall and Carlos close in behind him. He looked from the empty bed to the chair where Logan sat holding the blankets. The bright fluorescence of the hospital lights seemed out of place. He felt like it should be dark.

Because it didn't take that much for James to draw up the most awful conclusion and believe it. He didn't cry, though. He couldn't let himself do that until he definitely knew. But he also couldn't move. He was too scared to move forward and ask Logan for sure.

He was almost grateful that he felt Kendall gently move his arm out of the way from blocking the door and step forward into the room, taking the chair next to Logan. "Logan…?" he asked quietly, but still loud enough for James and Carlos to hear from the door. Logan didn't react, though. He hadn't looked up, hadn't moved, James wasn't sure he'd breathed since they came to the room. "Logan," Kendall repeated, touching his back. "Where's Camille?"

There were a few moments of absolute silence, but James heard screaming in his head, his own screaming, demanding an answer _now_. This waiting was making him crazy, he'd been waiting for over seventeen hours, dammit, and it threatened to make him actually scream out loud.

Finally, Logan just shook his head. Very barely, hardly readable, shook his head. James' mouth fell open slightly and he saw Kendall's eyes widen. Carlos was the first to make any sound, James heard him let go of a shuddering breath of air behind him. It was what propelled James forward to Logan, but he didn't know what to do. He could already feel his eyes welling up graciously and he wasn't going to fight it. Wasn't he allowed, after all? Camille… one of his closest friends, she was…

James hesitated just near Logan. He'd always loved him. Always. Since they'd met, and that was practically fifteen years ago. If you asked James, that was a lot of love. He'd loved Logan forever and he never really located the line he'd crossed that separated friendly love and "I want to kiss you so bad" love or when he crossed it, but it had happened at some point. And at another point he'd chosen to ignore what it had become, some time from when Logan proposed to Camille and the wedding.

But even if the form of his love had never changed, this would still be breaking his heart. Logan… constantly-tipping-but-never-falling Logan, with tears welling again, and looking weak, so weak. James could feel his own tears falling off his chin as he stared at Logan, just gazing ahead, looking exhausted and just so empty. And the blankets in his arms…

Carlos was kneeling at Logan's knees now, gently lifting a corner of a blanket. He was surprisingly calm, hands steady as he drew a finger softly down the baby's forehead and nose. "He's beautiful, Logan," he said quietly, and James could see the baby's closed eyes and quick, tiny breaths now. "He, right?" Carlos asked, and James gleaned it must have been guessed from the blue blankets.

Logan didn't respond right away, but after a few seconds he blinked as though he were just waking up and looked down at the baby, maybe for the first time, James wondered, from the expression on his face. "…yeah… yeah," he said, barely a whisper. Then, "…they… they only gave me five minutes with her. Just… five. And then they brought me in here and handed me the baby…"

"That's your baby, Logan…" Kendall said gently and steadily, like maybe it hadn't registered with Logan, but James could hear the despair right under his voice. This loss hurt them all, but Kendall and Carlos seemed to understand how to be strong for Logan's sake. That in mind, James dragged his arm over his eyes and nose, trying to clear some of the mess on his face and get a hold of himself.

Logan nodded in answer to Kendall and shifted his arms. There was a long silence where Carlos couldn't stop touching this baby. James wanted to touch it, too, he did, but he was pretty sure he'd start really crying then. "He looks like her," Logan said after awhile, and James had never heard a sadder sound.

None of them knew quite what to say to that, least of all James, so he was so grateful when Kendall asked to hold the baby. Logan hesitated, but gingerly transferred the swaddled bundle into Kendall's arms.

Then he finally slowly lifted his eyes to meet James'. James hadn't said anything since entering the room and this was the first Logan had looked at any of them. Not that that was at all what James was thinking about as he watched Logan stare at him through watering eyes. Though he could hardly register Logan's crying before he felt arms around his neck and Logan choking into his shoulder. He held Logan tight, tighter than he'd ever held another person in his life. He pressed a hand firmly against his head and tilted his chin down to Logan shoulder, all the while keeping his eyes on that baby in Kendall's arms, Carlos stroking his fingertips through its already thick, dark hair.

…

It was about a month before James offered to move in with Logan and he couldn't believe he'd even waited that long. Logan's parents had only stayed in LA a week before they had to fly back to Minnesota. Since then, someone had stopped by his apartment every day when they could. But while Logan was allowed a leave of absence from school due to the tragedy and Camille's dad was doing what he could to help with the baby, the rest of them didn't quite get that freedom from their commitments. James still had an album to prepare for, Kendall was playing hockey in Fresno, and although Carlos had the most time on his hands as a preschool teacher and was doing most of Logan's errands as well as coming over to watch the baby at times so Logan could get some shut eye, he still wasn't totally able to spend a lot of time over there.

James was spending more time with Logan than he suspected he spent at the studio at this point, not only at his apartment, but he had forced Logan to lunch every Saturday since the baby was born, just to get him out. It was on the fourth lunch out that James finally made the offer.

Logan seemed to be having trouble just staying awake at the table in the restaurant as James wiggled a stuffed Spider-Man at Cam, making him giggle.

Cam. Cameron. That was what Logan had named the baby. And nobody asked why, but they didn't really need to, either.

James let Cam grab the stuffed toy from him and made a face as he watched the cloth hand go immediately into his mouth in a flurry of slobber. _Nothing quite whets the appetite_… he thought as he turned back to his salad and watched Logan surreptitiously over the table. He'd barely touched his food, as he'd done every lunch they had together, and the dark circles under his eyes were almost worse, James thought. He also wasn't quite shaving regularly and it was more or less adding to this very sad appearance. James sighed past a bite of lettuce. "Logan, I've been thinking," he said, and Logan perked up a little, blinking as he tried to focus his eyes on James, though he still seemed sort of dazed. James tried not to be upset that Logan didn't make a comment about his "thinking" being bound to hurt him or something.

"Maybe I should move in with you," James said, deciding to skip the preface. Cam squealed particularly loud and James cringed a little, but he realized he'd been shirking his duties and took the stuffed Spider-Man again, returning to waving it absentmindedly at the baby, but his attention was still focused on Logan. Who didn't seem like he'd heard the question as he frowned confusedly across the table. James was just about to restate the question as he felt the stuffed Spidey snatched from him again and he was refocused on Cam. Splitting his attention was hard…

As James was raising his eyebrows at Cam, earning a fit of giggles (James was figuring out that the baby liked his face—but who didn't?), Logan sighed and slumped a little, rubbing his temple. "James… that's… a really kind offer, but…" he said, biting his lip as he stared down at his light sandwich. The crust had been nibbled off some.

James huffed and sat back in his chair, crossing his arms. "But what? You don't have an excuse not to let me, Logan," he argued. "You look like hell." Logan frowned at him disapprovingly and he corrected himself with, "Sorry, you look like _heck_." Not that a baby could really pick up on that at a month old, but whatever. "Anyway, listen, please," he continued, leaning forward on his elbows and he was glad to actually have Logan's eye contact. But he figured Logan was probably just too tired to argue anymore. "You're hardly sleeping, you've probably dropped twenty pounds since Cam was born, and you can't even get out of your house when you need to. What's going to happen when you need to start taking classes again? I know you, you aren't going to leave Cam with a daycare." Logan broke his gaze, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing his temple again. James watched him for a moment before asking a little hesitantly, "…you aren't thinking of dropping out, are you?"

Logan didn't respond right away and that made James frown until he pushed his hand back through his hair with a long sigh. "No, I'm not," Logan said. "…but I was thinking I might not be able to finish the semester. My parents said they'd understand and, I mean, it's med school, and before—we thought this would be okay, with school and all, between Camille and I together, it was going to work, but now…" He trailed off, his voice getting thick and James could hear the exhaustion in it as he let his head fall forward, his hands going up into his hair.

Cam was screeching again and Logan made that automatic jerk to pick him up, but it dissolved into laughter, the self-amused sound James realized Cam was good at. James had never realized babies could have so much personality before he met Logan and Camille's.

He grabbed for Logan's hand, unable to stop himself at this point, and looked him dead in the eye, serious. "You need help, Logan. And I don't mean the little bit here and there Carlos and I have been able to do." Logan looked away again and James yanked on his hand to get his attention back. "Let me help."

Logan kept James' gaze, but broke it again to look at the baby. "You… you have an album to work on, James…"

James shook his head. "Gustavo said we'll work something out. He understands."

"The fans—" Logan tried, but James cut him off.

"You know you've—all of you—have always been more important to me than the fans," he said evenly.

Logan was quiet again for a little while as he watched Cam chew on his Spider-Man. He was thinking. Hard, James could tell. He knew that expression too well. And the fact that he didn't take his hand out of James' was telling to his state of mind.

Just when James was about to try and make his case again, Logan whispered, "…okay," and slipped his hand from James'. He picked up his sandwich and took a bite, looking past James and out the window.

James raised an eyebrow. "…really?" It just seemed too easy.

Logan nodded as he continued to eat. "You're right. I'm… I'm crashing really bad. And, I mean, if you're sure it isn't going to interfere with the album…" He breathed a short laugh and added, "And if you're sure you can handle it. Cam picks the best times of night to start crying." He took a drink of water and James couldn't help smiling. As light and brief as that laugh had been, it was the most he'd heard from Logan in too long.

"Well…" James said with a bright grin. "I'll pack some things after this and come over tonight, then!" He then turned his wide smile on Cam and tugged the doll out of his grasp only to bring it up to his face to give him a tiny Spidey kiss on his nose. "I'm gonna come live with you, buddy!"

…

James found out pretty quickly that Logan couldn't let Cam out of his sight for more than six seconds without panicking. Even if James was just holding him in the living room while Logan warmed a bottle in the kitchen, he had to look in every few moments "just to make sure." And James knew it was the fact that Logan had lost Camille that he didn't want to let Cam too far from him for too long. He figured there was something in there. Logan always felt responsible for everything, of course, so he took responsibility in letting his wife get too far out of grasp and couldn't let the same happen to his son. It sort of broke James' heart to know that Logan felt responsible at all for what happened to Camille. It was out of his control. But, then again, Logan had always felt the need to keep the world on its axis, even if it was doing everything it could to fly off.

Cam even slept in Logan's bed, and while James knew that was pretty normal for new parents (well, Kendall told him it was pretty normal) it was still odd to peek in the room at night and see this huge bed meant for a happy couple with just Logan and a tiny baby. It was strangely incomplete.

What was funny (in the way that James didn't actually find it that funny at all) was that James was sleeping where Cam belonged, in the nursery. There was a small twin bed in there and it was nothing compared to the large, cushy mattress at James' penthouse, but he'd decided to make sacrifices for Logan and he wasn't about to complain. He just had a ton of adjusting to do before things were going to feel normal here.

But Logan hadn't been kidding when he told James it would be quite a lot of work living with him. Not only did Cam cry in the middle of the night, he ate all the time and pooped even more. And James could never just let Logan take care of it every time. He was here to help, dammit, and he was going to do his best to do just that.

The first time he needed to warm up a bottle, he had to call Carlos for help, unwilling to admit to Logan that he didn't know how, but he did it and got Cam fed before helping himself to any lunch, demanding that Logan eat something himself. He cringed through dirty diapers and always wore gloves and a surgical mask, but he got it done. And when Cam started screaming at 1AM, James hurried out of the nursery and into Logan's room to get the baby out of the bed before Logan could even get up.

"James, you don't have to…" Logan started, sitting up in bed groggily and rubbing his eyes.

James cradled Cam close to him with one arm and gently pushed Logan back down with his free hand. "Shh, lay back down, I got it," he assured him, knowing full well that Logan would be immediately back to sleep once his head touched the pillow. Sure enough, Logan couldn't even keep his eyes open to fight James after about three seconds.

James hesitated there for a moment, watching him sleep, and pushed his hand lightly through Logan's hair. Even exhausted, James loved how calm Logan looked when he slept. Not stressed, not restless, not paranoid—he almost looked like the boy James had grown up with, not this sleepless father he'd come to know.

But he didn't linger long. Cam was still crying and James didn't want it to wake Logan again, so he scurried into the kitchen, holding the baby against his shoulder as he heated a bottle on the stove. He offered soothing shushes between his yawns, but they didn't do much. When he finally had a warm bottle, he sat at the kitchen table and tried sticking it in Cam's mouth, but he wasn't having it. James scowled in frustration and tried again, but every time, the bottle was just pushed back out by a wiggling tongue.

"Ugh, come on, Cam, work with me," James growled under his breath, dripping some of the formula on his wrist like Carlos had told him to in order to test the temperature. It was hardly over lukewarm, so he sighed and tried again, trying to push the nipple past tiny unyielding lips.

If James had still been a teenager, he might have let his impatience get the better of him and ended up yelling. 18-year-old James was not great with babies—well, 23-year-old James wasn't awesome at it, either, but he at least had more patience and the common sense not to yell at a baby.

After almost five minutes of fighting Cam with the bottle, though, James was beginning to get to the end of his rope. "Why," he started, voice forced light in a sing-song voice, "won't you just take the goddamn bottle?" Suddenly, and James thought it must have been some kind of miracle, but in a short gasp and a wave of unreal silence, Cam took the bottle and sucked for a few seconds before he stopped, pushing it out again and resuming his crying.

James stared with wide eyes. "What? No! No, take it again!" he cried desperately, urging the rubber end into Cam's mouth.

"Sing again." James jumped a bit and saw Logan standing there in the kitchen doorway with a thoughtful frown.

"What?" James looked between Logan and the baby and Logan again.

Logan waved his hands impatiently. "Before, you sounded like you were singing, you sort of sang that at him, sing something again," he spat out in a fast string of breath as he came to the table and pulled up a chair next to James, turning it to face him.

It took James a second, but he got the idea and scrambled for something to sing. Finally, he just sang another command in a made-up melody. "Please, you loud screaming creature…" He held out the note as he caught Logan's frown and quickly amended, lifting Cam a little more in his arms and poking the bottle at his lips, "Who… we love so much, just drink your smelly drink stuff and stop crying so Daddy—and James can go back to sleeeeep…"

And it was almost like magic (really, James thought maybe his voice actually was magical) the way Cam shut up immediately, taking the nipple in his mouth and sucking graciously. Logan gaped for a few seconds, then waved his hands excitedly, bouncing a little in his chair. "Don't stop, don't stop! James! Keep singing!"

James rocked Cam a little with a squinted look at Logan as he kept singing his words. "Aaand I bet you didn't know your daddy sings, too, and was in a band and everything and I bet you'd like it if he sang to you insteaaad."

Logan gave one of those disapproving frowns with his eyes shifted up to James. "Stop that… you know I haven't sung in forever."

"And you know I don't caaare…" James kept singing. He gave Logan a mischievous grin before continuing on slowly, hoping Logan wouldn't be able to resist. "Any kind of guy you want—" He glanced down at Cam, staring up at him with wide, fascinated eyes, and James realized this was probably the first time he was hearing someone sing live. He grinned wide and tilted the baby back slightly in his arms, adjusting his hold on the bottle. "Any kind of guy you want, Cam, that's the guy I'll be, turn myself upside-down—"

"Yes, I will, yes, I will." James looked up excitedly to find Logan with this sheepish grin and scooting forward to lean over Cam. "Any kind of guy you want, Cam, you know I'll agree, turn your whole world around…"

It may have been past one in the morning, but James felt awake and alive and just elated. He hadn't seen Logan smile or chuckle like this in so long, hadn't seen him looking so actually joyful, that it made James actually laugh from the light feeling in his chest. Logan looked away from Cam to make a face at James, but at least he was still smiling. "What?"

James shook his head. "Nothing, nothing. Just keep singing before he starts up again," he said, and then picked the song back up where Logan had left. Logan rejoined him after a second.

They stumbled over laughter through the whole song, and then a couple others, all the while holding Cam's captivated attention, until slowly, so slowly, his eyes closed and his mouth fell open, tongue hanging over his bottom lip slightly. James watched with mild intrigue, smiling. He never thought he'd really like babies before. They were loud and boring and messy, but Cam? He liked Cam. There was so much of Logan in him. His big, brown eyes, expressive eyebrows, thick, dark hair… And Camille, too. Even at a month old, James was reminded of her every time Cam smiled or laughed.

Logan sighed and James looked up finally to see him rubbing at his eyes tiredly. "I thought I told you to go back to sleep…" he said, keeping his voice low. The wrong pitch could wake Cam up again.

Logan chuckled again, but it was more just tired than anything now. "Yeah, and I don't think you know how impossible it is to sleep through your own baby's crying," he replied just as quietly, and sat forward to take Cam from James' arms. James may have tensed just a little bit before handing the baby over to his dad. Not only was he maybe enjoying holding him, but he wanted Logan to get some actual sleep at some point.

"Maybe… maybe you should let Cam sleep in his crib. Get some more rest," James suggested. He was met instantly with an icy look from Logan, but maybe it had actually been James' imagination, his expectation, because it melted over quickly as Logan looked down to the baby in his arms, rocking him just barely.

"Uhm… it's fine. He's… he's fine in my bed. It's okay," Logan said hurriedly as he stood, starting out of the kitchen like he couldn't kill this discussion fast enough. He stopped to turn back to James momentarily and said, "You can just put what's left of that bottle in the fridge." And then he was off back to his bedroom before James had a chance to add anything else.

James sighed and slumped back in his chair, staring off after Logan the way he'd gone. All he wanted was for Logan to feel better again, at least a little bit. Of course, he knew Logan would never fully recover—who would? But he thought maybe if Logan got some decent sleep, not just an hour or so at a time, he'd start being more like himself again. He'd start being the Logan James had just been singing with moments earlier.

Eventually, James got up, put the bottle away, shut off the kitchen light, and went to bed in a room that was intended for a child.

…

It wasn't til Cam was almost four months old that James saw Logan sleep—really sleep. It was sudden, but heavy, and James was scared for about half a second that Logan had actually died.

James had been sitting on the floor with Cam in the living room, trying to get him up on his knees with words of encouragement—so what if Cam didn't understand a word he said? He'd learned in the last couple months living with Logan that it had a lot to do with tone. James was surprisingly better at it than Logan, who just could not perfect that cooing baby voice. He constantly tried speaking to Cam like he did adults and couldn't seem to grasp the right tone. James, however, was beginning to think it was actually easier to speak to Cam than it was to talk to most adults.

"Come 'ere, Cam! Come on, buddy, you can do it!" James cooed across the floor, trying to get the child to crawl from the couch to where he was at the TV. It wasn't a terrible distance, but still enough to apparently be a challenge.

"He's a baby, James, not a dog…" Logan chastised through a yawn. "Besides, he won't be able to crawl for another… three months or so." Not surprisingly, correcting James' behavior and yawning were the two things Logan did most often. He was sitting on the couch, or laying on it, really, reading a textbook; he'd decided to actually take the rest of the semester off, but he'd be returning in the fall. Apparently, this was a big deal in medical school, but James didn't know anything about that.

All he knew was that since his album had dropped, he was dreading the announcement of his summer tour, something he'd always been excited about before, even back during BTR. But this time, the tour didn't only mean leaving his friends, it meant not seeing Cam for weeks at a time and to say James had grown attached was an understatement. He hated having to come home late from the studio to find Logan and Cam both already asleep in bed. Some nights he'd just stay up in the kitchen until Cam's crying began. And Logan was becoming more and more comfortable with James coming in to take Cam when he started screaming. And, boy, could he scream. He certainly had his parents' combined lung capacity.

But, still, Logan slept fitfully. Even if James didn't know from looking in on him every single night to see him curled protectively around that baby like he was the only thing that mattered in the world, it was more than evident in the darkness under Logan's eyes and early lines on his face.

So it was understandable why James had to stop and stare when he noticed the way Logan had settled down on the couch and was soon breathing deeply, not one disturbed movement in his body, just the slow rise and fall of his chest where his textbook now sat.

James raised an eyebrow at Cam and was met with a toothless, drooly smile. He secretly hoped that one day Cam would raise his eyebrow back and so he kept doing it whenever the time was appropriate. So far, he'd only gotten a lot of clueless smiles and giggles, but that was fine, too.

"Daddy's asleep," he whispered, crawling the rest of the distance to Cam near the couch. Logan continuously told James that Cam would never learn to crawl like James wanted if he constantly came to him instead of making him cover the distance himself, but James was never a good listener. He picked Cam up, holding him with one arm as he stood, ready to take the baby into the nursery and hopefully leave Logan with some peace and quiet for once. Between James and Cam, he didn't get much of that anymore.

James slipped his cell phone out of his pocket with his free hand and sighed heavily at the text from Kelly that waited there. He knew it was his job, his career, and he loved it more than anything—well, it was right up there with Logan and Cam at this point—but when he was so preoccupied and so invested in this baby, he sometimes just wanted to forget he was a pop star and pretend he was something else instead.

…a father, maybe.

_Discussing tour details with execs at 3. You should really be there. _James glanced up at the clock. It was two now, and he knew he should come to this meeting. These suits were deciding his future, after all. He probably ought to have a say in it.

He looked sideways at Cam, who was currently trying to grab James' phone out of his hand. He knew he should attend this meeting, but Logan was sleeping so hard and peacefully on the couch… James would hate himself for waking him up. There was another option, though, one that allowed Logan to sleep and James to make it to his meeting.

The car seat was still in James' car from their trip to the grocery store the previous day and Cam's travel bag was always together thanks to Logan's paranoia—Logan called it preparedness. James loaded the baby in the car, tossed his bag in the seat next to him, and started for the studio, hoping Gustavo wouldn't mind James bringing a plus-one to the meeting.

...

Kelly was overjoyed to see Cam and although Gustavo pretended to be annoyed with James, even he couldn't hide his smile as Kelly forced the baby into his arms.

Until, of course, Cam spat up a little on his designer hoodie, and then he was absolutely done with the whole baby deal, forcing him off back to his assistant and retreating with a disgusted noise to the conference room. Kelly wiped Cam's mouth with his bib as James dug a rag out of his bag.

"How'd you get him out of the house?" she asked, tickling under his chin. It was rather convenient, James thought, how Cam seemed to have inherited Camille's overall friendliness and charisma. He was never unwilling to be held or talked to by a stranger. He simply loved attention, that was all. But, then again, James figured that was probably part of what made Logan such a paranoid parent.

"What do you mean?" he asked with an amused frown. "I picked him up and we left." How else did anyone get anything out of anywhere?

Kelly rolled her eyes. "I mean, how did Logan let you take him? Is he with you?" She glanced down the hall, possibly expecting Logan to come around the corner from parking the car or something.

"Oh, no. He's asleep," James explained, finally finding that burp rag and dabbing at Cam's mouth, who tried to lick it. James whispered a "gross" under his breath with a chuckle. Honestly, he loved this kid, but he was finding out that babies were, by nature, disgusting.

Kelly looked worriedly at James for a moment, then turned her attention back on Cam, bouncing him a little. "Uhm… James… you brought Cam here while Logan is asleep? Is he alright with that?"

James just raised an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't he be? Cam's with me, Logan trusts me. It's okay."

Kelly opened her mouth to say something else, but Gustavo was at the door of the conference room, shouting out to them, "Hey, ladies! Can we get this meeting started or are you two still preoccupied with the barf machine?" Then he stalked back into the room.

James couldn't do anything else but shrug at Gustavo's comment, unaffected, as he took Cam back from Kelly and followed her into the conference room. Gustavo just stared at James as he took a seat on the side of the big table, settling Cam on his knee, and James met his gaze stubbornly, a trick he'd known his whole life, but perfected with Gustavo by years of watching Kendall do it.

"That," Gustavo said, pointing at the baby. "Is not staying in here."

James raised an eyebrow and bounced his knee slightly, making Cam laugh, but then he gurgled a little and James thought better of the motion. "Yes, he is."

"No, he isn't!" Gustavo nearly bellowed, and James frowned at him, wrapping an arm around Cam protectively. When Kelly smacked him in the chest with a handful of files, he shifted ashamedly, but not enough not to add, "Don't you have a babysitter or something?"

James shook his head. "Nope."

Gustavo bristled, but Griffin was at the head of the table—_still_. James wondered when this dude would die.—and he announced, "Let him stay." Then, with that scary smile towards James as he leaned back in his chair, "I like babies."

_With a side of fava beans…_ James thought and frowned, holding Cam a little tighter.

"Fine," Gustavo ceded. "Let's get this meeting started."

And it was the most boring meeting of James' life. Though every meeting James attended was the most boring meeting of James' life. Even if Cam hadn't been there, he wouldn't have paid much attention. Meetings were the worst. They lasted for hours and no one ever took James' opinion into account.

But at least he had Cam with him for this one to keep him company and offer entertainment. James wasted most of his time playing with Cam, making him scream in laughter to interrupt the meeting or whispering snide remarks to him as if he could actually understand, but James only really did it to annoy Gustavo across the table. Kelly at least was amused. She kept smiling at James with this fond look, almost proud, if James wasn't mistaken, but he wasn't great at reading expressions.

Eventually, though, Cam passed out in James' arms with a pacifier in his mouth, and James sighed in slight disappointment. He'd been in the meeting for at least an hour, probably longer, and that was when he finally pulled out his cell phone, which he'd silented before they started. He frowned at the screen, though, noticing over 20 missed calls from Logan and even more texts. There were also texts and missed calls from both Kendall and Carlos.

He licked his lips thoughtfully and glanced up and down the table for a moment. Finally, he adjusted Cam in his arm and excused himself with the reason being that the baby needed changing. No one argued, so he stepped out into the hallway and called Logan.

"Where are you?" was the first thing he heard when Logan answered the phone, and it was much less of a question and more of a demand.

James blinked at the sharpness of it and replied carefully, "At the studio… I had a meeting…"

"Where's Cam?" Logan asked, his words overlapping James' impatiently.

"He's with me," James answered. "Logan, is everything okay? Are you all right?"

"We'll talk about this later. Just come home. _Now_." And then Logan hung up without another word, leaving James to frown confusedly at his phone. However, he then realized Cam _did_, in fact, need a change and hurried to the bathroom with the diaper bag in tow.

…

When James got home with Cam asleep in the car seat, Logan was waiting outside the building, watching for James' car. His arms were crossed and his leg was shaking in anticipation of their arrival. James frowned, watching Logan walk briskly to the car. He tore open the back door and James turned in his seat to watch him wordlessly unstrap Cam's car seat and take it out, slamming the door behind him.

James hurriedly unbuckled and got out of the car, running after Logan up to the building. "Logan! Logan, wait!" he shouted as he caught up, but Logan halted and turned on him immediately to point warningly, causing James to come to a quick stop.

"Don't," was all he said, voice low and dangerous. James frowned, shaking his head confusedly. He didn't understand. What reason did Logan have to be so angry? Angrier than James had seen him in so many years, even. After a moment of just staring hard at James, Logan turned back around and continued into the building's lobby. James followed to the stairs.

"Why are you so angry?"James asked in a hushed tone as they passed their neighbor's doors. Those poor people already had to hear enough of Cam crying at night, they didn't need James' and Logan's added noise as they argued in the hallway.

Logan didn't respond, but instead stopped on the stairs and turned to gape at James. He moved his mouth like he was going to talk, but just ended up clenching his teeth and growling. It definitely seemed like he wouldn't be able to speak without screaming as loud as he could, so it was probably a good thing that he just turned back around and continued up to their third-floor apartment. James kept his mouth shut the rest of the way until he was following Logan inside.

The apartment was dark, the only light coming from an end table lamp next to the couch. It was already dark out, but the large east-facing window wouldn't have allowed much sunlight anyway. James didn't like the apartment so dim, it was hard on his eyes, so he reached for the light switch, but as soon as he turned on the living room lights, they were out again, Logan hitting the switch much harder than was necessary. Without a word, he stalked down the hallway towards his bedroom with Cam.

James lingered in the dark living room for a few seconds, watching after Logan, before dropping onto the couch. Logan wouldn't go to bed without coming back to scold James in some way for whatever it was he was angry about, he knew that much. It wasn't like Logan to go without telling James off.

He considered turning on the TV while he waited. Surely Logan would take his time fussing over the baby before he came back. But it wasn't like there was much to worry about. James had made sure he'd eaten, been changed, taken care of everything while they were out. Logan always seemed to assume James couldn't do things correctly with Cam, and maybe he had a right to think that as a parent, but it didn't make it any less annoying. Or insulting.

Just as predicted, Logan was back in a matter of minutes, stalking into the living room silently. He stood still in the hall entryway for a good long time just staring at James like his line of sight would bore straight through him if he held it long enough. James met his gaze steadily, stubborn in the idea that he hadn't done anything wrong, but started to feel his resolve crumble when he began to think Logan wasn't even blinking.

Logan spoke first, his voice quiet as he came to the coffee table and started straightening it up even though it was already neat. "What made you think that was okay, James?" James just watched Logan's hands unnecessarily straighten a stack of magazines on the coffee table before he looked up with a frown.

"Think _what_ was okay?" he asked carefully, because James just wasn't seeing the big problem here. He knew that when Logan got angry, he was a gale wind ready to blow everything out of his way, but James didn't enjoy being scolded for no reason. In fact, he didn't enjoy being scolded at all, considering he was a grown man, but that was just a factor of living with Logan. You got scolded regularly.

Logan suddenly slammed the stack of magazine down on the table without warning and James jumped with widened eyes. "You can't just _take_ my child and _leave_ while I'm asleep, James!" he grinded through gritted teeth, clearly trying to keep his volume down. There was a sleeping baby a room over, after all.

"I—I wanted you to get some rest," James said in his defense, sitting forward on the couch. "You never sleep anymore and I just thought—"

"_No_! You _didn't_!" Logan bit back, his voice growing a little stronger and he took a breath as he stood up straight. "You didn't think, James, you never think, you never have." He began pacing the floor anxiously, his hands going up to his hair in stress. "How did it not occur to you that I wouldn't be alright with that? Waking up to an empty apartment? Huh?" He stopped and faced James, his eyes wild, his hair more of a mess than before now as he dropped his hands.

James' lips tightened. He didn't want to admit it, but Logan was right. He really hadn't thought it through to how Logan would react when he woke up without a note or anything. And then James hadn't been able to answer his phone through that whole meeting… He finally had to let his eyes fall away from Logan, to his hands clasped between his knees where he sat. After a long moment where he could feel Logan's expectant gaze on him, he said, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, James!" Logan snapped back immediately, and it was an obvious struggle for him to keep his voice down. "I freaked! You have no idea what was going through my mind."

"Look, I'm sorry!" James looked back up, throwing his hand out in frustration. "I don't know what else you want me to do! I took Cam out of the house so you could get some sleep. Nothing bad happened, so let it go, okay? Christ." James couldn't help his frustration. His intentions had been good, they'd both come home safely, and yet he was still being yelled at like he was sixteen again.

Logan stared in astonishment at being spoken back to so insolently. "…are you kidding?" he asked slowly, his tone flat. "'Let it go,' James? 'Let it go?'" He paused and James met his gaze evenly, making his best attempt not to show any sign of backing down. "I had _no_ clue where you were, James. I had no clue where my _son_ was. I called Carlos, he hadn't heard from you. Hell, I called Kendall! In Fresno! I was panicking! I almost left here to search the whole goddamn city for you before you finally picked up! How the _fuck_ can you tell me to let it go?"

James held his breath as he waited for the sound of a baby's cries. Logan seemed to realize his mistake after committing it and turned away, facing the hallway in anticipation. They both stood there, stillness clutching them until they weren't even breathing, and it was only after maybe a whole minute of waiting that Logan decided he'd lucked out and sighed heavily, moving to sit in the recliner. James watched him sit down and put his face in his hands, leaning forward on his knees.

He picked at his nails uncertainly as he just examined Logan. This hadn't been James' best plan. It's possible it had been his worst. If he'd just taken a moment to think about it, he would have known that Logan would wake up in a panic when he realized Cam was gone. He'd never been apart from Cam, never, and James had forced the first time without thinking.

"…you aren't Cam's father, James. _I_ am. You can't just make decisions and go with them, he isn't yours, he isn't," Logan said without faltering, much quieter now, but still with an edge to his voice.

That stung. James knew there wasn't much reason for it to, because all it was was the truth, but he'd been helping Logan for so many months now, he felt like Cam was his family and he was Cam's. He hoped Cam saw him that way, too. He hoped he was just as important in Cam's eyes as Logan was, however a baby sees the world, he hoped he was important. And Logan trying to tell him it wasn't the case… that hurt.

Finally, James stood from the couch without noise and said, his voice hardly a whisper, "I'm going to make you some tea, you'll feel better…" trying to mask his disappointment, and started for the kitchen.

As he reached for the light switch, though, Logan leapt up behind him with a hurried, "James! Wait!" but James had already flipped the switch. His eyes immediately went wide.

The kitchen was a disaster. The cabinets were all thrown open and shards of dishes decorated the floor and countertops and table. Ceramic from plates and bowls, clear slivers of juice cups and wine glasses, everywhere, making the entire room a danger zone.

James immediately turned on Logan with wide, disbelieving eyes. "What the hell happened, Logan?"

Logan's gaze was locked on the scene beyond James like he was seeing it for the first time, his mouth open and eyes going a little wet, or maybe they'd been damp from his tirade before and James hadn't noticed, but either way, he just looked tired and entirely upset by what he was looking at. He just stared for a few moments, then swallowed and shook his head as he brought his eyes back up to James with a small shrug. "…I panicked."

James gestured past the doorway. "And took it out on the glassware? Holy crap, Logan! This is a disaster!"

Logan's breathing began to quicken as he looked again into the kitchen and James felt his stomach turn a little as he realized Logan was on the brink of tears. Whether it was the shame of his own extremely childish fit he'd apparently thrown while James was gone or something else, James wasn't sure, but he just started shaking his head as his eyes began to get foggy.

"I… I had no idea where you were… where Cam was and… and I… I went for some water and—a—and I didn't even think—I mean, as soon as the glass was in my hand, I just… I threw it at the wall." Logan emulated the motion in a jerk of his arm and a tear or two fell out of his eyes, though he was struggling to keep it from happening. He shook his head more, squeezing his eyes shut in an effort to stop the tears. James wasn't sure if he should try to help or not, so he just hovered where he was in the kitchen doorway, watching with concern, but also confusion.

"Do you know… how many fatal car wrecks there are in Los Angeles each day?" Logan asked, finally opening his eyes again. He paused, and James shook his head. "Two-hundred and fifty-nine. Two-thousand children go missing a day. Insane people with guns go into business and malls and schools all the time."

"But Logan," James interrupted, stepping forward to put his hands on Logan's shoulders. "None of that happened.

Logan immediately shook him off and hurried past James into the kitchen saying in a strained voice, "But it could have! It might have!" James made a grab for Logan's arm as he stepped on glass, hearing it crack like a chandelier in the wind, but Logan swatted at his hand, turning to face him when he was right in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by sharpness on all sides and James couldn't help but tense up, watching Logan carefully. He'd stopped trying to fight the tears and as fast as he was breathing and talking, it looked like he might go into hysterics. He gestured around him at the glass as if that explained it all. "I couldn't stop thinking about it!" he gasped, tears streaming, turning to torrents, reminding James of that day almost four months ago—Logan would be able to tell him exactly how many days, but James tried not to think about it.

James stepped tentatively onto the glass-scattered floor, grateful that neither of them had removed their shoes at the door. "Logan…"

But he just barreled on, struggling not to scream and yell, choking past tears. "I couldn't stop imagining terrible things, couldn't turn my brain off, you and Cam, something happening to one of you or both of you and I didn't know where you were or how to find you—what if something happened and I couldn't find you?"

Before this, James had never really seen what a toll Camille's death had taken on Logan. He was so frightened to lose someone else important in his life that his mind ran rampant with horror when there was any possibility he might not see them again. Even now, as he grabbed at his hair and shut his eyes tightly, James could see his brain twisting and turning over the different scenarios, building terrible stories of lost children and mangled vehicles.

James took another step and Logan didn't stop him this time, just stood there, taking in deep breaths that came out in long, shuddering exhales, and although his eyes were still scrunched shut, they continued to stream lines of tears down his cheeks. James touched his arm, just barely, and it was like a blow. Logan fell onto his knees, shaking with sobs, and fear immediately gripped James at the sight of Logan kneeling here among all this glass. Logan had always been somewhat wary of the world and James saw now just how it broke him to lose the person most dear to him.

He carefully kneeled next to Logan and without hesitation, wrapped an arm around his chest, drawing him in close. Logan didn't fight, he simply slumped his shoulder into James' chest and collapsed against him. His hands found James' arm across his chest and he clutched onto it tightly, nails digging into his skin, but James knew better than to react in pain. He knew his place was to comfort Logan now, remind him that he was alive and safe and well, that they all were, and holding him was a promise that he would never fuck up this badly again.

Soon, though, the fact that Logan was sitting on broken glass began to really make James nervous and he pushed to his feet, tugging on Logan gently to help him do the same. "Come on, buddy… let's go to the living room, okay?"

Logan sniffed, still unable to really get his breathing under control, but nodded and allowed James to pull him up. James leaned over to brush carefully at Logan's knees and he was so glad he was wearing jeans and the glass shards were a little too small to really cut through. He took Logan by the arm, guiding him back out of the accident-waiting-to-happen that was their kitchen and into the living room to sit on the couch. He asked in a low voice if Logan was hurt and Logan just shook his head without a verbal response. James wanted his voice, not a shake of his head, but he accepted what he was given and just held on to Logan's arm protectively as they sat there.

It was a few minutes before Logan seemed to calm down enough to even out his breaths. He sniffed and pulled his sleeve across his face, wiping his nose and eyes, and for a moment, James saw less of a grown man, a father, and more of a little boy playing house. Maybe Logan had never been ready for this, even when he was supposed to have Camille. Maybe he was still just too young.

"I… I should go to bed…" Logan whispered, his voice drowning under tears that were just beginning to end, but he didn't get up to move. James moved his hand from Logan's arm to his back, rubbing lightly across his shoulders to ease out any more crying that needed to go. After a minute, Logan looked down at his hands in his lap, and said, "You… you're always here, James… I know when I panicked it was… it was a little over-the-top, but… you're always here. I didn't know what to do when I woke up and you weren't."

James frowned slightly. What did that mean? He wasn't always here. Sometimes, he was at the studio working, or out getting food, or hanging out with Carlos. Of course, he was home as much as he could manage, but he wasn't always, so it was a mystery to him what Logan meant by the statement that he was "always here."

Then he thought back on the 20 missed calls, the countless unanswered text messages, two hours where he'd been completely off the grid, out of touch, where Logan couldn't reach him when he really needed to. And he felt entirely filled with guilt. It wasn't just the fear of what could happen to them, it was the first time James hadn't been within reaching distance of Logan, and he hated himself a little bit.

Without thinking about it, James stretched his arm across Logan's shoulders and pulled him into his side again. Logan obligingly slumped against him, letting his head rest on James' shoulder. Tonight was probably the closest Logan had been to another person since James had hugged him months ago in the hospital room with the empty bed and that killed James a little. He would have been closer, would have touched more, if he'd thought it was okay.

Even now he didn't think it was really all that alright. But Logan needed it, it seemed, and James was never someone to say no when Logan needed him.

It couldn't have been more than a minute or two before James felt Logan get a touch heavier against him, leaning more of his weight into James' side. He adjusted slightly to see that Logan's eyes had dropped shut and his lips were slack. James just stayed like that for almost ten minutes, just letting Logan relax into him and rest himself. He still looked so small and sad, even while he slept, maybe even more so considering he'd cried himself to sleep, and James wasn't even aware people were capable of doing that after 16 or so. Or after they moved to LA and became hard.

But Logan never hardened. His heart stayed soft and malleable and full of love that turned to concern that turned to panic that turned to broken glass. James figured the destroyed kitchen was a result of one of those things that he loved about Logan.

When he decided Logan was deep enough in sleep that he wouldn't be jostled easily, James slid his arms around and under him, working to his feet as he lifted his friend with an "_oomph_." Logan may have seemed small and childlike like this, and James may have been ripped, but he still wasn't easy to carry, even with the way he'd lost muscle mass over the last couple months.

James took Logan to his blackened bedroom and laid him carefully in bed. He slipped Logan's shoes off and threw them into the closet before covering him under the comforter. He stood there and watched Logan's steady breathing until he decided it was just a little too creepy for him to be standing over Logan, at which point he made for the door. However, his eyes landed on Cam in the middle of the bed first.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea. Maybe James needed a little more self-control, some more reservation, but he simply didn't have any. He toed off his own shoes and slipped into the other side of the bed, the side that used to be Camille's. It felt sort of wrong, but what felt right was being able to barely make out Logan's features across the pillows and the feeling of the tiny, bundled weight between them in the bed. James closed his eyes, reminding himself that the kitchen would need a serious rehaul in the morning.

He also reminded himself of Logan's words earlier; "You aren't Cam's father." And the memory ached. But when it seemed like Logan was doing his best to play pretend, James felt confident that he could do the same.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: ****This chapter came out over 15k, so I had to split it in two, which means the next chapter is actually finished, and I should have it up within the next week once I'm happy with it. It also means this chapter may seem a little short compared to the first one. That being said, I'm sorry on the wait for this! Unfortunately, school and acting both took precedence after the first chapter went up, so I had to wait until I had free time to finish this one. And then its length got out of hand and had to be reined back in. I hope the wait was worth it, though. Enjoy and please, please, please review!**

**edit: I am SO sorry, everyone, I am so embarrassed right now. It wasn't until I received the first review and was thinking "Oh, god, is my writing so predictable that this person really knows what's going to happen in the next chapter?" that I realized that for some reason, I'd uploaded the wrong file and it wasn't saving correctly on my computer. What was up before was an unfinished version of this chapter combined with the next chapter. This is the correct Ch. 2. Again, I'm so sorry. **

**...**

There was no one else in the bed when James woke up in the morning. His whole night was filled with dreams of glass shards scattered across a tile floor, watching Logan pick up piece after growing piece, his hands being cut by each one, and yet James never saw the need to stop him.

He sighed and rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Sunlight leaked into the room through the blinds over the window next to Logan's bed and was the only thing that lit the room, streaking the ceiling and opposite wall in pale white that illuminated dust in the air. James closed his eyes and considered going back to sleep as he often did on Sunday mornings. They were his only real days off and he liked to appreciate them as much as he could.

But the things which woke him in the first place kept him awake; baby laughter and the wafting smell of bacon. At first, he just smiled, laying there with his eyes closed, one arm draped above his head, the other hand resting comfortably on his chest. It felt like days as a teenager, back at the Palmwoods, waking up in the morning to Mrs. Knight's hearty breakfasts, the one thing that made it worth it to actually get up and face a grueling day sometimes. Carlos would be dropping onto James' bed from the top bunk any minute now. He'd pretend to be annoyed, but allow himself to be dragged out to the dining table to join their best friends and makeshift family for what would always be the best breakfast he'd ever had, week after week.

Then he came to himself, remembered the wrecked kitchen and frowned. Besides the fact that no one should be making bacon in the middle of all that, there was also the fact that Logan hadn't cooked in ages, not since James had moved in. He made meals for Cam and warmed up microwave dinners for himself, but it had always been James to do any real cooking.

Curiosity and concern dragged James out of bed and he stopped to rub his legs for a moment. Sleeping in his clothes, in jeans, had made them itchy and uncomfortable, but he could wait to change until later.

Walking out of the hallway and into the living room, James saw that Cam's playpen had been dragged out to where it could be seen from the kitchen and Cam was rolling happily on his back, kicking and swatting at the toys that dangled over him from a small plastic arch.

"Hey, pal," James grinned and crooned in a light voice, reaching down to curve his finger at Cam in a wave. He was delighted in the way Cam squealed and snatched at his finger. He let chubby baby fingers wrap around his own and shook the much tinier hand in a sort of greeting.

There was a short clank of metal from the kitchen that caught James' attention and he turned to look. Logan was standing over the stove frying bacon and eggs, another skillet baking pancakes, and if James wasn't mistaken, there was even bread in the toaster. Though, this being Logan, he really wasn't that surprised at the toast. The kitchen looked as if it had been built entirely new, and James had to question his sanity for a moment, wondering if he'd entirely imagined the previous night. Or if he'd entirely imagined the last four months, because Logan looked fine, for the most part. He may have even been humming quietly, James couldn't be sure.

He leaned into the playpen to lift Cam up and started for the kitchen. Logan happened to notice, though, and held up a hand. "Wait! Don't bring him in here, I'm not sure I got all the glass…" he said, gesturing around him briefly.

Ah. So James wasn't losing his mind. He nodded, turning to put Cam back in the playpen and returning him to the toys which seemed to be doing a good enough job of amusing him. "In fact," Logan called out again, "You should put on slippers or something."

James breathed a short laugh and shook his head. "I've got socks on, I'll just watch my step," he said as he turned back around and welcomed himself into the kitchen, going to join Logan at the stove. He had a fleeting image in his mind of coming up behind Logan, placing his hands on his hips, setting his chin on his shoulder and feeling him smile and lean into his touch. He imagined hugging him around the waist, turning his face to meet Logan's lips—

James came to the counter next to the stove, leaning on it with his elbow. "You're cooking," he observed blatantly. Logan shrugged with a small smile, but otherwise didn't respond. "You haven't cooked in forever," James continued, as if to clarify.

Logan flipped the bacon and sighed. "I wanted toast. And then I wanted eggs. And then bacon. And then pancakes," he explained, letting the bacon sizzle as he turned his attention to the pancakes turning golden brown.

James couldn't fight the smile coming on if he even wanted to. It had to be some kind of miracle. Logan smiling, humming, cooking, like he didn't have a worry in the world. Which was, of course, untrue, since this was _Logan_ and there was always something to worry about. But this reprieve, however unexpected it was and however short it was going to be, made a weight slide right off James' shoulders.

The weight fell back on after a moment, though, and caused him to frown, looking around the kitchen until his eyes landed on Logan's hands. "Hey… you didn't hurt yourself, did you?"

Logan gave a brief quizzical look as he used a spatula to transfer pancakes from the pan to a large plate. "What do you mean?" he asked. Then added a second later, quieter and with a serious glance up, "…James, I'm not… you don't have to worry…"

It took James a moment to understand what Logan was trying to say, but when he did, he held up his hands and shook his head. "Oh! No! No, no, no… Logan—no, I know, I… I trust you," he said, his eyes raking down Logan's arms as he watched him poke around at food on the stovetop. He knew Logan wasn't that bad. He hoped...

"I meant when you were cleaning up the kitchen…" He moved to the other side of Logan and took the plate of pancakes to the table, where he sat it in the middle. He stopped and frowned, though, inspecting the four plates around the edge.

"Oh," Logan drew out in a long syllable of realization. "No, I was careful. I got up early and swept up and then vacuumed… and then swept again and vacuumed again…" James noticed how Logan didn't mention anything about James having been in the bed when he got up. He joined James by the table, setting a serving bowl of scrambled eggs and a plate of bacon.

James blinked, pointing at all the food and silverware. "This is… way too much food for the two of us…"

"I know," Logan said, going to the fridge and bringing out a carton of orange juice. "Carlos and Jennifer are helping us eat it." He set the carton down in the middle of the table with a proud grin. As if it was summoned, there was a knock at the apartment door, which Logan hastily went to answer, scooping Cam up out of his playpen on the way.

James stood struck at the table a couple seconds before realization caught up with him and he hurried to do the same with Logan, trying to comb his hair with his hands on the way. "Wait, Carlos and Jennifer? As in our best friend and his girlfriend? You actually invited them over for breakfast? _You_ invited _people_ over?" he teased, but he was legitimately surprised at Logan's behavior. As they reached the door together and Logan turned around with an amused smile, he pressed the back of his hand to Logan's forehead, who ducked away. He was holding Cam to his shoulder, where the baby was anxiously chewing on Logan's sleeve.

"Ha-ha, you're hilarious," he commented and put a hand on the doorknob. "I miss Carlos, okay?"

"Whatever, dude," James laughed and stepped back as Logan opened the door.

The door wasn't even entirely open before arms enveloped Logan in a hug with an excited shout. "Logan! Buddy!" Carlos exclaimed, placing a large, wet kiss on the side of Logan's face.

Logan grimaced and pushed at Carlos' chest, groaning. "Carlos! _Baby_," he said, putting a foot or two of space between him and his friend. James tilted his head for a second, wondering why Logan would be calling Carlos "Baby," but he understood better when Cam began whimpering and crying, dropping Logan's drool-covered sleeve out of his gums.

"Oh… whoops…" Carlos said, looking infinitely guilty as he reached out to touch Cam's hair, glancing back at Jennifer as though he felt like the scum of the earth. Cam just kept crying and Logan bounced him gently against his shoulder, giving James a brief look before turning into the living room and moving purposefully for Cam's toy-filled playpen. James smiled, reading a little bit of Logan's familiar stress in his eyes, but understanding what he was being asked to do.

He stepped up to the door, holding his hand out to welcome their friends in. "Breakfast is on the table, guys, make yourself comfortable." He paused, though, thoughtful for a moment. "But, uhm… look out for any glass."

…

Breakfast was as delicious as it was unexpected. After inspecting and then reinspecting the area, Logan had set up Cam's seat between his and James' chairs and brought the baby cautiously into the kitchen to join them for breakfast. More than once throughout the meal James caught himself staring at Logan as he spoke, smiling uncontrollably. He couldn't help it, he couldn't help getting excited about Logan being his old self, carrying on a conversation, laughing, eating an actual meal. Each time James realized he was actually staring, he was grateful for Carlos to characteristically interrupt with some enthralled exclamation which inspired and was matched by Cam's own enthralled screams, and all four adults couldn't help laughing. James couldn't remember having such a good time in months.

At one point, James attempted giving Cam a piece of pancake and Logan completely blew a gasket, grabbing the fork from James' hand as if he were going to stab the baby with it. James gaped at first, but soon was rolling his eyes as he was scolded, given a lecture on how Cam might choke or gag. However, Jennifer intervened with a very helpful, "Actually, babies should be introduced to solids around his age." Then she shrugged nonchalantly and continued eating her bacon.

Carlos nodded, adding, "It's true."

James smirked at Logan, whose mouth was open where it had stopped mid-word, but he closed it quickly in a tight line. Logan actually trusted Carlos' opinion on children. He'd been working in preschool for over two years now, had been certified as a childcare technician, and Logan had no excuses to doubt his knowledge. As unbelievable as Carlos being actually _knowledgable_ was.

Reluctantly, Logan handed James' fork back to him. "…one piece. Just a small one," he ceded as James excitedly cut out a piece of his pancake. "But not too small! Not small enough for him to choke! But not too big, either, okay? Ugh, just let me do it…" he grumbled, cutting a piece out of his own pancake and offered it nervously to Cam on a fork.

As the baby began licking and sucking at the bread and James scrunched his nose a little as he noticed he was drooling all over it more than he was actually eating it, Carlos cleared his throat. "Hey, Logan? Can I talk to you real quick?" he asked, wiping at his mouth with his napkin. James tilted his head a little at that. Carlos really had matured quite a bit over the last few years. Between seriously settling down with Jennifer and finding his niche in a real job, he'd begun conforming to adulthood a little better. Granted, he was still the same Carlos underneath everything, and he always would be, but just a more grown-up version.

Logan looked from Cam to Carlos and back again before looking up. "Uhm… yeah, sure," he answered, though his eyes were across the table on James. He handed the fork over to him so Cam could continue his slobbering endeavors and reminded him, "Just keep an eye on him, okay?" as if James had to be told.

He left the kitchen easily, though, didn't stop to fuss over the baby or seem too reluctant to leave him alone with James. It left James wondering if the previous night had actually meant something was really shifting between them…

"So," Jennifer said, interrupting James' train of thought as soon as Logan and Carlos had left. "You seem pretty good at being a mommy." James raised his eyebrow at her. She wasn't nearly as cruel as she'd been when they were younger, but she was still sassy. For some reason, Carlos liked that, he always had.

"Charming as ever, Jennifer…" he muttered back, keeping his eyes intent on the baby, not wanting to betray Logan's trust. But he snapped on a quick, "Thank you," as well, just to spite her jab.

"You know I'm only teasing you, James," Jennifer replied, though a little gentler than her earlier, teasing tone.

James snorted a bit and raised his chin, never taking his eyes from Cam, though mostly out of stubbornness now. "Do I?"

He could see Jennifer move out of the corner of his eye, finishing up her eggs and setting her fork aside as she said, "Well, I would hope so at this point."

James raised an eyebrow and spared her a quick glance when he asked, "What do you mean?"

"Carlos and I have been together for years now... I can only hope that you know I don't hate you," Jennifer replied, focusing on James and smiling. James tried to keep being a diva for the heck of it and turned back to Cam with a quiet huff.

But he soon relaxed and gave a good-hearted shrug in response. "...I know. I mean, I've known for awhile now that you've got to have some kind of soul, or else Carlos would have ditched you forever ago," he said, and maybe not that tactfully, so he added a moment later and somewhat softer, "He's crazy in love with you." Which was true, James knew from countless conversations with Carlos on the topic. For as much as James used to be a playboy and as many hours as Carlos had spent in their childhood listening to James' recaps after a date, who would have guessed that Carlos would be the one to be in love first?

Well. The first one between them to be in love and have it reciprocated, at least.

James watched Cam pull what was left of his pancake piece off the fork to just chew out of his own hand and wiped his fork free of slobber on his napkin, and then just set it aside when he lost his appetite.

He was brought back to the conversation when Jennifer said softly, "I think he's going to propose."

It took James a moment to remember that they'd been talking about Carlos and he raised an eyebrow high in her direction, mouth open a second before he sputtered, "What? Really? Are you serious?"

"I know, I know," Jennifer said with her hands up, though there was no denying her smile. "You can't tell me if it's true at all, but that's just what I'm thinking."

"Oh..." James wasn't sure what to think. He couldn't imagine Carlos getting married. Or maybe he didn't really want to imagine it. James couldn't get what he wanted, so... No. That was the worst way to think about this situation, the absolute worst.

"But forget that, forget I said anything," Jennifer suddenly said, waving her hands dismissively, but that smile was still there, that undeniable shine of a girl who's 90% sure she's going to get a big, huge diamond soon. "It's not like you can tell me if you know one way or the other—let's talk about you."

Again, James' eyebrow arched and he pointed at his chest. "Me? What about me do you care about?" he asked, then glanced down at Cam, as if considering him in the question. He also took note that Cam hadn't choked on his pancake, which was more like pan-mush at this point, and thus James was doing his job.

"Logan," Jennifer said simply, and that certainly had James' attention back.

"What?"

She sighed with a hint of exasperation, leaning forward on the table on her elbows when she said in a hushed tone, "You and Logan!"

"What about us?" James asked with honest confusion, unsure what the hell she was referring to. He glanced out of the kitchen and without any sight nor sound of Carlos and Logan, assumed they'd stepped outside the apartment, or had gone to the bedroom or nursery.

"Are you two, like, a couple now?"

James' eyes, wide, struck back at Jennifer, and he stammered for a second. "A—a couple—"

"You're doing the whole parenting thing really well, but I never thought Logan would move on so quickly," she commented, pinching a kinky ringlet between her fingers and tugging on it slightly, letting it go with a bounce.

"Move on—no, he's—" James tried arguing, tried to clarify, but Jennifer just kept on babbling, as she was prone to do.

"Oh, no, I'm sure there's still some healing to do. We all miss her, and it's gotta be harder for him than anyone—"

"He isn't—"

"You two are sweet together, though, I'm glad to see Cam has a whole family and Logan just seems so—"

"Jennifer, we aren't—"

"So happy."

That caught James and made him stop trying to cut her off. "...he does?" he asked quietly. Maybe it was because of last night's episode, or the stress he'd seen hanging on Logan like a disease over the last few months, but he wouldn't have described Logan as happy lately. Then again, all Jennifer had seen of him in forever was this morning, and Logan had been smiling all through breakfast.

"You both do," Jennifer added and James sat back a little. They seemed... happy? Together? He wanted to smile, he wanted to tell her, "Thank you, we are very happy," and go happily back to feeding his happy baby. In a perfect world.

"...we aren't... together..." James explained, voice quiet. He looked back to Cam, who had practically liquified the pancake he'd been given. James had to wonder if he'd even tasted it. "I'm just living here and helping with the baby until Logan can get back on his feet."

Jennifer stared for a moment, blinking. "...oh... really?" she asked, sounding a little surprised. "Oh, my god, I'm so embarrassed."

"No, it's okay..." James tried to amend with a stiff smile, really just ready to drop the subject altogether. He didn't need any more reminder of what he didn't have.

But Jennifer continued on by saying, "It's just—you two—and I mean, you always—"

And that made James frown and look up again. "I always what?"

"Hey, did you leave us any, Cam?" Carlos' voice rang as he reentered the kitchen. James' eyes, though, went straight to Logan behind him, noting his blank expression, his straight-lined mouth and empty eyes.

His expression changed, however, with a heavy sigh as his gaze landed on Cam, blubbering mush down his chin. "James!" he scolded and James frowned, unaware that he needed any scolding. "Did he spit up? Why didn't you get a rag?"

James threw his hands up a little and sat back to let Logan clean Cam's face. "He didn't, that's pancake," he said with a bit of a disgusted scrunch of his nose, but Cam apparently thought it was funny. So did Carlos, though, chuckling as he began helping to clear the table.

Carlos and Jennifer were kind enough to help with dishes before they left, though after the table was cleared to the sink, Carlos actually managed to sneak away to the living room with Cam in his arms, playing on the floor for the next half hour while Jennifer helped clean. Logan nearly had to wrestle his baby from his friend before he could push him toward the door.

Logan was saying his thank you's and goodbyes to Jennifer in the living room when James managed to catch Carlos by the door. "Hey," he said, grabbing Carlos' elbow before he could go out and start his car. "Real quick, dude. Why did Jennifer know when a baby should be eating solid food?" he asked. The question had been bouncing around James' head since she'd mentioned it. It made sense for Carlos to know, with all the childcare training he'd gone through. But Jennifer, an actress, had little to no reason to know a detail like that.

All James got in response was a slow, knowing smile from Carlos. He patted James' arm and told him, "I'll call you soon, man."

James frowned and opened his mouth, ready to ask again, but Carlos wiggled his arm free and left. Jennifer soon followed, throwing James a friendly (and, he thought, apologetic) smile, and James couldn't help eying her belly a bit curiously.

Once the door was shut, James turned around to find Logan slumped back on the couch, Cam clinging to his chest and Logan's sleeve again bunched up in his mouth. Logan's eyes were closed and Cam was whining almost needily into his dad's shoulder, but Logan seemed too tired to react. James padded quietly over to the couch and sat, arm draped over the back behind Logan.

"You okay, man?" James asked after a moment, his hand twitching to touch Logan, just his hair, his neck, something, but he refrained, keeping it planted on the back of the couch.

Logan gave an acknowledging noise, but his eyes stayed closed. James wondered if all the effort that had gone into breakfast, all the playful, joyous energy had really taken it out of Logan. Or if the whole morning had been an act more than anything, a ruse to try and convince their friends that everything is okay.

There was a good, long moment filled only by Cam's quiet whines and grunts of effort, seemingly trying to gum his father's sleeve to death, before Logan finally said, "Carlos wants me to go back to counseling."

James blinked, unsure of what to think of that. Logan had only attended one session of grief counseling before quitting, calling it a "soft science with no backbone," and never going back to his therapist. James remembered it being a huge ordeal in the first week after Camille had died. Kendall had still been in town, had gone over to Logan's and he and Logan's parents had tried fruitlessly to make him go back. And although James doubted Logan had actually spoken to Kendall recently, James had, or at least had exchanged texts with him weekly since he'd moved in. He had no doubt in his mind this was less of Carlos' idea and more of Kendall's.

Which made James want to smile. Kendall could be on the other side of the earth and his heart would still be with them.

But Logan didn't look anywhere near smiling. So James kept that to himself. Instead, he just said quietly and carefully, "I... think... that's a really good suggestion..."

Logan huffed a bit in response, but didn't answer right away. James knew Logan didn't want to go. He could barely talk about Camille with his closest friends and family, he hardly would want to discuss her with a stranger. Especially a therapist, because everyone knew what Logan thought of therapists.

As Logan opened his mouth to finally say something, though, Cam began crying unexpectedly, short, heart-wrenching sobs that tore James up every time he heard them. He sat forward just as Logan did the same with a heavy, tired sigh. "What's the matter?" James asked, voice laced in concern. Even after his months here, he couldn't shake that panic that raced through him every time Cam cried.

"He's hungry..." Logan answered, beginning to bounce the baby gently, clearly trying to muster the strength to stand as he explained. "He didn't really eat any of that pancake and he didn't finish his formula this morning. Just—"

But James cut him off by standing, motioning for him to stay where he was on the couch. "I'll make some more, don't worry."

Logan paused, but accepted the offer and sat back. James went carefully into the kitchen to begin preparing a new bottle of formula and he watched Logan back on the couch close his eyes even through Cam's increasing demands for food. The baby would stop crying every couple seconds to chew back on Logan's sleeve, but would let it go again in the same amount of time to continue crying.

When James came back after a couple minutes and handed the warmed formula to Logan, he watched the baby latch immediately to the bottle. James' eyes were glued to them as Logan rocked Cam slowly and tenderly. He hesitated, but asked, "Is he teething? Is that why he chews on your shirt like that?"

Logan's lips parted as if to answer, but the response didn't really come at first. He swallowed, then said, "Well... that and... he's suckling..."

James frowned, a bit confused. "What?"

"He wants his mother," Logan explained again, his eyes never leaving Cam's.

James' mouth shaped a silent "Oh..." that he didn't have the heart to give voice to. He felt bad for asking, but the silence that hung between them now spoke enough for him. So he just adjusted to sit sideways on the couch, laying his head against the back and spent the next few minutes watching Logan do his best to be both parents.

They didn't talk about how James had found his way into the bed after Logan's fit in the kitchen, but he did reluctantly and silently find his way back to the nursery that night out of respect for Logan.

…

"I don't want to do this, James, I really do not want to do this."

Logan had been chanting the same thing since they left the apartment on the way to the therapist's office. He kept turning around to anxiously check on Cam in his car seat, but there was absolutely no need.

"Logan, it'll be okay. It's just something you have to get over with, like taking off a band-aid. And it's only an hour session," James reassured him for not the first time the whole ride.

"I still don't want to."

James groaned. Logan was acting like a child, and he shouldn't have been surprised at the behavior. This was what Logan had always done when he didn't want to do something; he regressed in age. He crossed his arms and scowled and became a misbehaving child, which was funny, because James was pretty sure Logan never misbehaved when he was an actual child.

"You heard Carlos," James reminded him. "You can't raise Cam with depression and an anxiety disorder."

"I don't have depression or an anxiety disorder!" Logan snapped back, just as he had on the phone with Carlos the day before. "And I'm a grown-up, I don't need anyone, least of all Carlos, to tell me whether or not I can raise my son." And now the insulting tone was coming out. It was time for James to take dire measures. Logan eyed the cell phone James balanced carefully in one hand, while he drove with the other. "...what are you doing?" Logan asked suspiciously, then added, "Watch the road!"

James ignored him and lifted the cell phone to his ear. After only a couple rings, it picked up and James shouted, "K-Dog! What's up? You busy?"

Logan sunk a bit and groaned, "You did not just call Kendall over this..."

"Awesome. Talk to Logan real quick, would ya?" James chirped and tossed the phone carelessly into Logan's lap.

Logan was glaring at James when he picked up the phone and said, sharply, "Hey, Kendall."

"Hey, Loges. What's up?" Kendall asked on the other end, sounding like he knew perfectly well what was up, and Logan rolled his eyes, leaning into the passenger side window and staring at the bus benches and palm trees as they passed them. They were going back to the hospital where Cam was born and where his check-ups had been ever since.

"We're on our way to my appointment."

"Your therapy?"

"Grief counseling," Logan corrected pointedly.

Kendall made a sound of realization and rectified himself. "Grief counseling. Right."

There was a long pause before Logan muttered, a little weakly, differently than he'd been fighting James before, "...I don't want to go."

Kendall hummed his acknowledgment, and said, "Of course you don't, but you have to."

"I'm fine."

"You aren't fine, Logan." Kendall said and Logan turned his face away from James and into the window. "James has told me about everything. Including the glass last week." Logan could definitely hear a speech coming on and took a breath to brace himself. He hadn't had to listen to one of these in a good while and he wasn't used to having to pay attention.

"You want to be the best father to your son as possible, right? Then you need to make every effort to ensure that you are the healthiest you can be, and that includes being of a sound mind. If you're still prone to breakdowns like that, Logan, there's no way you can care for an infant, let alone yourself. James is doing his best to help you out, but he can only do so much. He has a career to worry about and can't focus all the time on you and Cam. When you won't spend any time trying to help yourself, you can't expect him to."

Logan sat back and looked over at James in the driver's seat. They were at a red light and James was smiling and making faces at Cam through the rear view mirror, building up spitty giggles in the back seat. Logan turned back to the window.

"Go for at least a few weeks, Logan," Kendall said on the other line when Logan didn't respond. "Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes. If it's still lame after a month, we'll figure something else out."

"Alright," Logan conceded, his tone drab and uninterested in Kendall's proposal, but he knew he didn't have much choice. Kendall knew it, too. They knew that if Logan got too bad, he could lose Cam.

Kendall sighed on the other line and there was a pause while he hummed a bit, as though looking around or checking the time or something. "Just shoot me a text afterward, okay, dude?" he said.

"Yeah, I'll do that." But they both knew Logan probably wouldn't just out of spitefulness. "Want to talk to James?"

"Uhm..." Kendall drew out the sound and Logan sighed, realizing they'd already spoken earlier and planned this. He'd totally been lead by the hand right into this lecture series.

So Logan just sighed and exchanged goodbyes. Once he'd hung up, he shot James a searing glare, but James hardly reacted, just turned into the parking garage of the hospital. "So how's Kendall?" he asked as he searched for a spot.

"You're a jack—" Logan started, but cut himself off, glancing in the backseat. "...you're a jerk."

James took a breath, smiling a bit, as he pulled into a space and parked the car, killing the engine. "I'm a concerned friend and I knew who the only person was who would make you see straight."

He got out of the car and went immediately to a back door to unbuckle Cam's carseat, and glanced to the front to see Logan hadn't moved. He huffed, voice a little harder when he said, "Stop acting like a baby and get out of the car, Logan. Or I'll drag you out." He slammed the door behind him and started up toward the hospital without waiting for Logan to follow.

…

Logan took the baby in the therapist's office with him, leaving James in the waiting room alone. For a whole hour. Which was spent playing games on his phone and texting inappropriate jokes back and forth with Carlos. But toward the end of the hour, he was starting to get antsy and impatient and restless. The waiting room was cold and small and smelled like carpet cleaner.

Finally, just when James was about to start climbing the walls or running sprints down the hall, Logan came out of the office. His face was stony, tendons in his hands and arms bulging from how tightly he was gripping Cam's carrier. He didn't spare anyone, least of all James, even a glance as he left the office and walked through the waiting room and out the door.

The receptionist leaned toward her window, calling to Logan, "Same time next week, Mr. Mitchell?" but Logan didn't stop for her.

James hurried to his feet and went to the window, shining his most charming smile as he told the young woman, "Yes, same time next week." He tapped the ledge of the window brightly and tried not to straight up run after Logan.

"Logan!" James growled, picking up his pace once he got into the hallway. Logan was walking at an impressive speed toward the elevator. "Logan, wait, geez..." he huffed, finally able to catch up when Logan had to stop to wait for the elevator to arrive. James threw his arm around Logan's shoulders with a friendly bounce. "Long time, no see, buddy."

However, Logan was clearly not in the mood and shook James' arm off with a hissed, "Don't touch me."

Eyes wide and lips slack, James watched as Logan boarded the elevator. He had no clue what he'd done personally to Logan, but it was apparently pretty bad. He got on the elevator and took an experimental glance down at the baby carrier as it started moving down. Cam was asleep inside, which told James that Logan had probably not thrown any fits in the office, so that was good.

James got ready to ask about the session, but just as he opened his mouth to say something someone got on the elevator with them, and by the time they were alone again, they were one floor from the lobby. It wasn't until they were walking in the parking garage that they were out of earshot of passersby.

Carefully, like walking through the kitchen last week, James asked, "How did it go?"

Logan didn't answer. Instead, as they approached the car, he turned to James and asked, "Can I drive?"

James' eyes popped a bit and he touched the trunk of his car tenderly. "Drive... my car?"

The eye-roll Logan gave involved the usage of his entire upper body. "It's just a car, James. I'm a safe driver, you know that."

"Yeah, but... you're angry." James took the keys from his pocket, but clutched them to his chest, frowning at Logan uncertainly.

He was met with a very serious look. "I'm not angry. I'm... annoyed," Logan said, deflating a bit as he sighed the last word. "And you know I would never drive even remotely recklessly with Cam in the car."

James studied Logan's expression, then chanced a look down at Cam in the carrier again. It was in the second he was looking away that Logan just snatched the keys right out of his hands, giving him only time to cry, "Hey!" But Logan was already loading Cam into the backseat and taking the driver position. James groaned with his only option being to climb into the passenger seat.

"So?" James asked as he got in the car, but Logan just continued his pre-driving routine without answering, buckling in, checking all his mirrors, turning the radio down low. So James tried again with, "Logan?"

"Sh," Logan snapped quickly, holding a hand up at James without looking at him. He didn't say another word as he pulled out and began on his way out of the parking garage.

James huffed loudly, making his displeasure clear in the way he slumped back in his seat and crossed his arms, much like Logan had looked the whole way to the hospital. Since Logan was clearly not in the mood for conversation, James reached over to turn up the radio again, but his hand was immediately smacked by Logan, who turned it back down. James gave him an offended look and groaned loudly, wherein he was again shushed, though this time Logan nodded to the sleeping baby in the back. Then James felt a little bad, so he shrunk a bit and just watched the scenery change outside the window. He would talk to Logan about it when they got home.

If they ever went home. James frowned, realizing the street they were on was not the way back to the apartment. He glanced at Logan, but didn't ask for fear of being hushed again, and just watched the palm trees and increasingly rich buildings pass. For a few minutes, he thought they were going to the studio, but he realized their actual destination soon enough.

"The Palmwoods?" James asked in a hushed voice, though Logan was already getting out of the car he'd parked outside the hotel. He was unloading the baby from the backseat, so James unbuckled and stepped out, glancing around him.

There wasn't one kid here he recognized anymore. It made him feel old in a way, even though he could hardly even be considered to be in his mid-twenties. But living at the Palmwoods seemed like forever ago. That was before Big Time Rush ended and before James went solo and before Logan started school and before Logan and Camille married and before Kendall started playing hockey in Fresno. It felt like it had been a whole lifetime.

"What are we doing here?" James asked Logan as he came around the car with Cam swaddled in his arms instead of in his carrier. He just sort of looked at James a moment, and all James saw was the same, stoney, guarded look that was in his eyes when he came out of the therapist's office. Then he started walking, not into the hotel, but toward the park. James paused a moment, trying to suss out what was really going through Logan's head, but eventually just followed him.

They walked in silence in the warm afternoon sun. It being a weekday, the park was mostly uninhabited. James supposed an hour ago around lunch, the grass was teeming with picnic blankets and teenagers, but now there were only a few actors here and there reading scripts, a girl under a tree fingerpicking her guitar. The atmosphere was calm and warm, none of the boisterous action that Big Time Rush had once brought to this park. Then again, most of the trouble at this hotel had been caused by the four hockey players from Minnesota. James couldn't imagine Bitters had had so many managerial issues since they left.

Logan eventually sat on a bench James had many memories wrapped around. He'd leaped over and hid behind and faceplanted on this bench plenty of times. He'd also sat on this bench with Logan plenty of times, and being here with him now almost made him feel seventeen again, all fun and fancy-free.

The sun was behind them, staying respectfully out of their eyes in the shade of a tall tree. James laid his arm comfortably over the back of the bench, behind Logan, looking with him at Cam in his arms. He wondered how it felt for Logan to come back here with his child. How it would feel to go to Minnesota for the first time with him someday. To visit the places he'd been as a child with his own son. To James, that seemed like it would be something special and he felt a short little twist at the thought that he'd never experience that.

"Basically, I hated it," Logan said suddenly, his gaze never leaving Cam's dozing face. He used the blanket the baby was wrapped in to wipe away the drool on his chin, but it would no doubt be there again in a few moments.

Although James could probably guess the answer, he still asked, quietly, "Why?"

Logan's reaction clearly told James that he should know why, the way he rolled his eyes and laughed humorlessly. "I was—" He started strongly, but faltered and continued a little softer, "I was in love with Camille, James... very much so... I married her, I had a child with her... I loved her laugh and how bright she was and how she would dance around the apartment and how she was a million different women and yet they were all her." He paused, staring at Cam like he was staring at Camille, and, in a way, maybe he was. "I was ready to spend my entire life with her."

James stayed silent as he listened. They didn't talk about Camille, they just didn't. No one did. Logan would get angry or just leave a conversation at the sound of her name. So James wasn't used to hearing Logan talk about her, explain how in love with her he had been, how in love with her he obviously still was. It made a part of James go a little hollow, but he didn't say anything, just kept the warmth in his cheeks and the dipping in his chest to himself.

"I had no idea what to do when she was taken away from me..." Logan continued on, voice even weaker, and he looked away from Cam, blankly staring across the park at a scene no one else could see. "I had this whole life planned and then... suddenly... nothing."

That had to be where most of his anxiety had been coming from, James now realized. The combination of loss plus the of feeling of being lost... Logan didn't know how to operate without a plan, without solidarity, and Camille's death, the death of his partner in life, that had been the floor falling out from under his feet, had left him standing on thin air. And worse. With a baby.

"But things are going to rebuild themselves, Logan," James said with reassurance, putting his hand that was on the back of the bench on Logan's shoulder instead. "It's already happening."

Logan looked at him with sad eyes, tearless, but heartbroken nonetheless. It was the same vulnerable, lost expression he'd seen right after Camille's death, and with Cam in his arms, James was having serious dejà vu, and it wasn't a good feeling. He wanted to gather Logan and Cam both in his arms and take care of them, and that wasn't a good thing. The sentiment was good, of course, but it hurt that it wasn't something he could actually do.

"I don't want to move on, James," Logan said, shaking his head, his voice a little thick as he looked away again. "I don't want to forget her or stop mourning her or stop loving her, I feel like... like that's wrong. I don't want to get better."

"You have to get better, buddy. Just because you move on doesn't mean you've stopped loving her. You have to get better so that Cam can have a daddy. He's already lost one parent, he needs his other one so much more now."

Logan's breathing was deeper now, clearly fighting emotion, and he sat still for a very long time while James rubbed his shoulder, hand running up and down his upper arm.

Finally, he whispered, "I'm trying..."

James nodded. "I know you are. You went today and you survived." He gave Logan's shoulder a little squeeze. "I'm proud of you, dude."

The corner of Logan's mouth twitched upward, and he gave a short sniff as he lifted his chin a little higher. He seemed to collect himself and gather up all the emotions that had fallen out of his little handbasket and tucked it back up on a shelf.

When James' hand slowed to a stop on his shoulder, Logan looked at him again, and there was something in the way he smiled at James, though it was barely there. James imagined stroking his fingers gently though his hair, leaning in to kiss his cheek, take him in to a firm, protective hug, but that wasn't his place.

Knowing it would be the truly comforting thing to do, he just told Logan softly, "And I know Camille would be, too."

Logan's smile faltered a second, but he eventually nodded and looked back out across the grass again, just so-gently rocking Cam in his arms, and James could swear he felt just a little more of Logan's pain leave him under his touch, hand still rested lovingly on his arm.


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n: This doesn't need much of an introduction except to say I'm writing a little faster than I thought I would be and I hope you enjoy and please remember to review! **

…

Around five months, Cam was gaining much better control of his spine, able to sit upright in his high chair and walker, even though his feet couldn't touch the floor. He was developing right before James' eyes and it was becoming something of a fascination to him.

Although he'd never been an avid reader before, it seemed now that all James did in his spare time was stalk child development websites and memorize the bibles of parenting. Magazines, books, whatever he could get his hands on that may help him to understand Cam's development, James would read it. He started taking magazines with him to the studio and spent at least an hour when he got home laying on the couch reading.

Logan couldn't possibly be disappointed in James' new habits, not when they meant he was actually getting some literature in his life. Once he walked through the living room with a basket of laundry to find James sprawled on the floor like a teenager, propped up on his elbows with his nose in a book. All he did was snort and make the comment, "If I'd known all I had to do to get you to read was have a baby, I would have done it a lot sooner." Then he continued to his bedroom to fold his clothes.

Every so often James would come across something new and go running to Logan in the kitchen. "Logan! Logan! Did you know Cam couldn't taste salt until he was four months? And his eyesight sucks right now! He can only see things that are really close..." At which point James got on the floor next to Cam's walker and leaned in really close to his face, eliciting a series of boisterous giggles. Cam reached out with both hands, slapping them to James' face before grabbing his hair and pulling.

As James yelped more out of surprise than actual pain, Logan chuckled from where he stood cleaning hand-wash baby dishes. "I did not know those things, James, no... how fascinating," he said, though his tone suggested he actually did know.

Still, James went on as he wrenched deceivingly delicate-looking baby fingers from his hair. "And he's grown about an inch taller every month since he was born and more than doubled his weight... he's like a baby superhero!" he said with a slight grunt as he freed himself from said superhero's grasp, although it really just transferred to squeezing his finger.

Logan laughed again, amused by James' newfound enthusiasm for child development. "That's really something, James. I'll have to let his doctor know," he told him with a humored expression, going to put dishes away.

James watched him for a second before refocusing on the baby, inspecting his toothless smile and bright brown eyes carefully. "You're kinda cool... you know that?" he told him quietly, admiring for the first time really how impressive Cam was as a human being. He was answered by a loud, unintelligible string of "bah" sounds.

James always heard about the "miracle" of life and how special babies were, but honestly, for the longest time, he just thought they were dumb. They didn't do anything interesting, they couldn't talk, and they were sort of disgusting. But watching Cam grow and change and turn into a person and develop his own personality was making James see things a lot differently. It was making him want more to be a part of this child's life forever, to help shape him, to watch how he would continue to grow.

James turned to stand and caught Logan's eyes on him, watching him study Cam. They made brief eye-contact, and James didn't miss the small smile playing on Logan's lips before he hastily returned to the plasticware. As for James, he scurried back to the living room to continue researching infant brain and body development.

It wasn't until James really witnessed one of those "major events" his books kept talking about, though, that he realized just what all the fuss was really about, why all the books talked about them, and why parents always went gaga over that kind of thing.

He'd gotten home from work only about half an hour previous and was lounging on the couch with a book propped on his chest on end, more staring at the words than reading them. His brain was too numb to actually process anything. Cam was on his tummy on the floor, something both Logan and the books told James was good for his spinal development. Although James often wanted to go pick him up because he looked so exhausted from trying to keep his head up, a feeling James could relate with, he was to leave him be and let him struggle.

He would glance over to Cam every once and awhile, watching him reach for toys or chew on his blanket. He was teething at this point and even though it was gross and got drool everywhere, James preferred him chewing on his blanket than on James' fingers. Hard baby gums hurt. He'd learned from experience.

At first, James didn't realize what was happening. Cam began to tilt and James frowned, but looked back to his book when Cam resettled on his stomach. He heard Cam whine, though, and turned in time to see him push up with one arm. James dropped his book and swung his legs to sit on the edge of the couch. This was no false alarm, he decided after a moment. Because James had called a couple false alarms at this point.

"Logan... Logan. Logan!" James shouted urgently and Logan came skidding out of the kitchen where he'd been preparing dinner, running to James with a panicked expression.

"What? Oh, my god, what's wrong?" he exclaimed, spinning around to search for any signs of destruction or dismay.

James grabbed Logan's shirt, then put his hands on his hips and forced him to face in Cam's direction. He felt Logan's panic subdue and ebb away under his hands as his eyes landed on the baby and he realized what was going to happen. "Oh..." he whispered, then seemed to regain his energy, stepping forward with clenched, excited fists. "Come on, Cam, come on, baby, you can do it, you've got this, do it for Daddy..." he said in a hushed, hopeful tone.

James rose off the couch as Logan moved forward, stepping in close behind him, his hands unconsciously still resting on his hips when Logan didn't shake him off. Silently, he egged Cam on just as much, his heart racing in unexpected anticipation, all to see a baby do something dogs did as a trick.

They stood tense, Logan whispering barely-audible encouragements under his breath while James held his. Cam pushed and leaned with an expression that was part concentration, part curiosity, and which turned to complete shock as he slowly toppled over from balancing on his side to rocking on his back. As he stared upwards in amazement as if seeing the ceiling for the first time, Logan and James stared at him with a similar feeling.

Then suddenly, Logan threw his hands in the air like the Wild had taken the Stanley Cup and shouted, sending a startled shake through both the baby on the floor and James. James recovered fairly quickly, though, as he felt the same excitement rush through him. He threw his arms unthinkingly around Logan's middle, hugging him tightly from behind.

At first, he worried he'd made a mistake, but in seconds, Logan was turned in his arms, throwing his own around James' neck in an enthralled embrace. It was short-lived, effective in rooting James to the spot with a slackened smile as Logan spun around to fetch Cam off the floor, tossing him in the air enthusiastically, which immediately resulted in screaming laughter.

James blinked, watching Logan celebrate for a moment. He couldn't place what he was feeling, but... he was pretty sure it was something like pride. He slowly sat back down on the couch, listening to Logan praise Cam and hug him and practically dance around the living room with him. His body felt warm in a way it hadn't in a very long time and he could still feel Logan's arms slung around his neck.

James thought back on the night in the kitchen, thought about how much progress Logan had seemed to make in the past month or so between the counseling and his time with Cam. Logan really was happier, anyone could tell just by looking at him, and James could see more than anyone right now.

"Logan..." he started cautiously, smile still soft on his face as he leaned forward on his knees. Cam was screeching with laughter just as Logan slowed down. His joyous grin was still in place, but it faltered a little as Cam gave a little burp, threatening to spit up after being swung around so much. "Maybe it's time Cam sleeps in his crib," James suggested gently.

Logan's gaze flipped immediately to James on the couch. James could see the "No," playing through his eyes. But it didn't come. Instead, Logan looked slowly back to the baby and he used the bib around his neck to gently dab his mouth. He went so long without responding that James wondered if he was going to answer at all. But finally, he just muttered, "Maybe..." and went back into the kitchen with Cam.

…

American Idol was just coming to a close on the television that night and James was sighing and groaning over the loss of yet another of his favorite singers around the time Logan rose out of the recliner where he'd been rocking Cam with a bottle until he fell asleep.

"Where're you going?" James asked, managing to stop texting Carlos over their favorite reality TV show for half a second to notice Logan heading for the hall.

Logan didn't stop, but just called back over his shoulder softly, "Putting Cam to bed..."

James squinted and went back to his text. But then he replayed that and looked back up at the hallway Logan had just disappeared down. He was putting Cam to bed... implying that he wasn't going to bed with him?

James stood up slowly and started the way Logan had gone, stepping quietly to keep from making any sound. He'd learned in the first week of living in Logan's apartment things like which parts of the floor creaked and where were possible tripping zones, and he avoided those expertly, even more attentive than usual. A lamp was on in the nursery, the room where James slept, where the closet was filled with more of his clothes than Cam's.

Peeking around the door frame like a spying child, James watched as Logan hovered near the crib with Cam in his arms. He moved as though to put Cam down, but hesitated and straightened back up, staring down at the baby. James watched as Logan moved slowly to sit in the rocking chair that rested unused in the corner of the room.

When Logan was facing the door again in the rocking chair, James shifted back around into the hallway, backing up and sinking to the floor next to the door. He tried not to feel responsible for this step, because in all honesty, it was probably mostly attributed to Logan's trips to the therapist. But James felt... well, proud of Logan.

"What are you doing?"

James looked up to see Logan standing in the doorway, arms crossed and looking down at James expectantly. He shifted a bit to face Logan, grinning brightly up at him. "You put Cam in the crib," he observed quite obviously.

Logan took a breath and dropped his arms, turning and heading into his own bedroom. James scrambled to his feet and followed him as he continued, "That's a big step, Logan! Letting him sleep without you is huge!"

"I know..." Logan mumbled back, sounding less than enthusiastic. His back turned to James in the bedroom, he shamelessly started stripping down to his boxers. The lights were still off, so James lifted a hand to flip them on, but he hesitated. The light from the hallway draped itself over Logan's bare shoulders, painting the lily white skin with a golden hue. James slowly lowered his hand away from the light switch.

Logan didn't move for a long few seconds, and James wondered if he was supposed to leave, so he stopped staring and instead looked down the hallway. Since Cam was sleeping in the nursery now, he wasn't sure if he was supposed to stay in there, or crash on the couch. Movement caught his eye, and he looked back at Logan, who had gone to sit on the edge of the bed with his back to James.

James shifted from foot to foot. Logan wasn't saying anything, and James was starting to think that was a hint to leave. He took a breath and began to turn back down the hallway toward the nursery to get his sweatpants to sleep in.

"James?" Logan's voice came smaller than usual, a little weaker than he ever liked to sound. James frowned and looked back to where Logan hadn't moved at all. If he hadn't heard it so clearly, James would have wondered if he'd imagined his name spoken.

"Hm?"

"Would you... stay with me?"

Now that James wasn't sure he heard correctly. Logan didn't mean stay the night with him, did he? That couldn't... be right...

When James was quiet for too long, Logan tentatively looked over his shoulder, practically in slow motion. And when he did, it was only a second before he quickly sputtered, "Never mind, I shouldn't have said anything, it's—it's stupid, it's childish," and he just started as if to go past James to the bathroom.

"No, no, no!" James intercepted Logan by blocking the doorway with his arms. Logan stopped with a surprised look, taking a step back. "No, it's okay, I just—wasn't sure I heard you right..." James added hastily.

Logan still averted his eyes. "It's... it's just... I don't know if I can... like, sleep alone..." He looked cautiously back at the bed behind him, almost afraid of it. "I've never slept in that bed by myself..."

The big California king had been spread with white sheets ever since James had moved in, and they were meticulously cleaned once a week, sometimes more often. But what always made James queasy was the resemblance the bedding bore to what they laid on those beds at the hospital. He wondered briefly whether Logan realized the similarity or not, but definitely thought better than to ask.

"I can sleep in here," James said gently, lowering his arms to allow Logan passage into the hallway. Logan looked at James with searching eyes before he just nodded, almost sheepishly, and side-stepped him into the hall to go to the bathroom.

James hovered a moment, trying to decide how this would work, but eventually just retreated to the baby's room to change into his sweats. When he got back to the bathroom, Logan was already out, so he spent the next many minutes going through the steps of his nighttime routine. Once finished, he went back to the bedroom, half-expecting Logan to have changed his mind and closed the door with a lock.

The door was still open, the room dark, only lit by the hallway light, which James flipped off after a moment. He only took enough time to observe the way Logan was curled up on the furthest side of the bed, facing away from the door, the clear bumps of his spine and translucent skin making him look like a cadaver in the fetal position.

James quietly, so quietly, and slowly, as to not shift the bed too much, slipped under the covers in the spot where Camille used to sleep. The spot was familiar from the once he'd slept here before, but the pillows smelled fresh, untouched and clean. They were bright white even in the dark, but soft, like feathers. The spot was deceivingly comfortable as James settled in, facing Logan's back.

He had the urge to reach out, to drag his fingertips down Logan's spine, to scoot in and take him in his arms and tell him, "Shh, sh-sh-sh, it'll be alright," although he didn't know what he would be referring to. He wanted to remind him that there was literally only a wall between him and Cam, and that he would surely be up in a couple hours to see him again. Logan's severe attachment was even clearer when he was alone.

"Logan..." James said, his fingers suddenly just a breath away from Logan's skin.

"I'm okay," Logan shot back immediately without looking, stopping James' hand from coming any closer. "Just... just go to sleep, James."

He held still there for a heartbeat or two, but finally, James retracted his hand and just sighed. He closed his eyes, leaving the expanse of space between their bodies untouched.

…

Nearly five months since James moved in and it felt like time had hardly passed. Before James knew it, Cam's half-birthday was fast approaching and Logan didn't want to have a party. "The apartment is a mess," he would say in vain.

"The apartment is spotless, it's always spotless, you spend six hours a day cleaning the already-spotless apartment," James argued back, laying back on the couch with a laptop balanced on his abs. He was searching for a cake recipe he could handle. So far, everything seemed too complicated. Even adding the word 'easy' to his search wasn't yielding many results. This was looking like it was going to be more of an endeavor than he had hoped.

Logan sighed heavily from where he sat on the floor, feeding Cam in his bouncy seat. "It's only a half-birthday. People don't celebrate half-birthdays," he tried this time, this excuse lamer than the last.

"Logan," James said, sounding exasperated and maybe a touch annoyed. "I don't understand why you don't want to throw a party for your son. Why don't you want to celebrate?"

Logan fell quickly silent, his hand faltering for a moment as he used the spoon to catch dribbling liquid food on Cam's chin. He blinked, staring into big, brown baby eyes, motionless as something passed over his features. Finally, he shook his head, looking down into the jar in his hand and stirring it with the spoon. "You're right. You're right, we're… celebrating."

James tried not to stare. He'd known that not only was this the day that marked half a year since Cam was born, it marked half a year since Camille had passed away. And he didn't like to turn his nose up at Logan's grief, but between the counseling and all the support he'd received, James had hoped Logan would start redirecting his pain from loss into joy from what he'd gained. James wanted Logan to begin placing Cam before Camille and he was only helping that process along… right?

...

After the first time being asked to stay, it was just sort of assumed that James would sleep in Logan's bed every night. The man couldn't stand to be alone, not for a second and certainly not for an entire night. At James' urging, it had begun to be something Logan would talk about with his therapist, but so long as it wasn't unhealthy for Logan, James stayed sleeping in his bedroom. The bed was big enough for four, anyway, and it wasn't as if they hadn't grown up this way.

Still, though, James sometimes felt a rush of discomfort each night as he got into bed knowing he was sleeping in Camille's spot. She hadn't only been Logan's wife, she'd been James' friend, his confidante, even, and he still felt her everywhere in this home, same as Logan did.

Logan still kept quite some distance between them in the bed. In the light, throughout the day, Logan was perfectly close, didn't flinch if he and James touched, brushed against each other—they'd always been that way.

But they hadn't always been like _this_. The way Logan slept as far away from James as he could in the bed, afraid to touch him in the least. He stayed at the edge of his side of the mattress, ready to topple off any second. James tried not to be offended. This whole thing was only to ween Logan off to solidarity, anyway...

Cam's crying crackled through on the monitor and James stirred immediately, rolling onto his back and rubbing his face with both hands. He knew Logan would wake up and probably go for the baby, although James would tell him to go back to sleep, that he'd handle it. However, what happened surprised James more than if Logan had just let James take care of it like he wanted. He groaned and rolled onto his side, facing James with eyes scrunched closed. Then he muttered, apparently still asleep, "Camille, can you take care of him…"

James stiffened, one hand still over his face, and he stared at Logan across the length of white bedding separating them. He slowly let his hand fall away, wondering if Logan was awake enough to catch his mistake, and then what he'd do when he did. James wasn't sure if he wanted Logan to realize what he'd said or not.

Part of him did. Part of him wanted Logan to shoot up from where he was and begin apologizing profusely and bury his face in guilt and hurry out from under the covers and into the baby's room and just stay in there the rest of the night. Part of James wanted Logan to feel awful about what he'd said.

However, most of James wanted Logan to stay peacefully tucked away in sleep and to never know what he'd done. He would never be able to stand Logan's immense sadness if he knew.

Luckily, Logan didn't say anything else or move again. He just stayed wrapped up in blankets, mouth hanging open in silent snores. James slipped out of the bed, tip-toeing into the nursery to do what he'd been asked, even if it hadn't really been him who was asked to do it.

…

James had memorized the whole freaking waiting room of that therapist's stupid office. He wasn't sure exactly why he made sure he had two hours off from work every Wednesday to come with Logan to these sessions, but he felt it was necessary not to make Logan go alone. That and, despite his progress, a part of James believed that Logan wouldn't go if someone wasn't there to make sure he did.

He'd done all the puzzles in the stack of Highlights magazines on the end table, gone through every back issue of People looking for photos of himself, and searched the fitness magazines for protein shake recipes. Everything in this office was old news. Put a canvas and palette in front of James and he could replicate every tacky still life that hung on the walls. All that entertained him anymore was his cell phone and eavesdropping on the nice little receptionist's phone conversations. And even beating his high scores time and time again and knowing exactly what a hussy Lorraine was last week wasn't always enough to keep James sane. He swore he'd be needing therapy soon himself.

So it wasn't any surprise that James sat with a heavy sigh as he dropped into his usual seat in the waiting room, giving the receptionist a wave accompanied by the stiff smile usually reserved for fans. "I'll see you in an hour," Logan said, tone less reluctant than it had been in his first few sessions, but still sounding a bit like a man about to face an entire opposing hockey team alone.

"Yup," James said, whipping out his cell phone merely out of habit and slumping back to watch Logan go into the office, the handle of Cam's carrier in his hand.

He'd only sent five obnoxious, harassing texts to Kendall before the door to the office opened again, and Logan came out again with the baby carrier. James frowned worriedly, setting his phone aside and sitting forward in his seat. "Logan? What's up?" he asked, taking in Logan's nervous expression and how he held Cam's carrier up in front of him, almost protectively.

Logan fidgeted a moment, avoiding eye contact with James at all costs until he finally set Cam's carrier down at James' feet. There was still yet another pause before he said with some difficulty, "Dr. Tolar wants me to... have a session without Cam."

James' eyebrows went up a little and all he said at first was, "Oh." Through every session Logan had been to, he'd had Cam with him. Although he slept without him now, Logan still didn't separate himself from Cam if he could help it, usually only if he was showering or something similar, so James knew that this wasn't easy for Logan. In fact, he was surprised Logan didn't get into an actual physical fight with the doctor over it. Then again, that was definitely a nod toward Logan's progress.

"I'll take good care of him, Loges," James promised with a smile, turning Cam's carrier toward him with his foot and waving down at the round-eyed baby inside. When Logan didn't respond, James looked up again to see him looking down at the baby carrier, eyebrows knitted together. Without thinking about it, James reached out and grasped Logan's hand at his side, immediately getting his attention. "We'll be fine," he promised with a slight squeeze of his hand, and finally, Logan nodded, just a little.

He slid the diaper bag off his shoulder and handed it to James and told him, "It'll only be an hour..." though it seemed like maybe it was more reassurance to himself than anything. And then he went back to the office, stopping only once at the door to look back at Cam and shift from foot to foot for a moment. It reminded James of one of the only memories he had of preschool; Carlos with a baby blanket, never letting it out of his hand, constantly rubbing a silken corner on his nose, taking it with him even as he went to play in the dirt. Carlos had always been the one to need a security blanket (which turned into his helmet as soon as he learned to skate), not Logan, so to see him need one now was odd to James.

"Go," James urged him quietly and Logan took a shaky breath before closing the door behind him again.

At least now he had some company, James thought with a shrug, but when he looked at Cam again, his eyes were closed and lines of spit were dripping carelessly from his lips. James sighed heavily and slumped back again, returning to his phone to continue his text onslaught on Kendall.

…

For not the first time since he'd begun sleeping in Logan's bed, James felt the mattress shift as Logan sat up quickly with a gasp. James tried to hold still and pretend he was asleep, for Logan's sake. It would be too embarrassing for Logan if he knew James was awake while he sat there, surely shaking in a sweat from the sound of his breathing. James just kept his back to Logan on the other side of the bed, breathing steadily.

"James, I know you're awake…" Logan whispered in a husk after a minute and James jumped a little. Out of all the times Logan had had moments like this, he'd never said anything about James being awake during it, when he had been on multiple occasions.

He tried to play it off at first, make Logan think he was wrong and just keep faking it. But Logan shoved him roughly in the back and he sighed, rolling over and pushing up on an elbow to face his friend. "How'd you know?" he asked in a quiet tone, though there was no one to be quiet for. Still. The darkness seemed to beg for silence.

Logan gave a weak smile that James could just make out from the dim light put off by the hallway nightlight. "Do you have any idea how long I've known you? I can tell when you're faking sleeping…" James swallowed and his eyes widened just a fraction. He wondered how many other times Logan had known James was actually awake when he'd been faking sleep.

"Oh…" he said, though, trying not to give away his concerns. "Why'd you call me out?" he added hastily.

The good-humored smile faded and Logan ducked his chin slightly, looking at his hands. "I, uhm… I'm not sure…"

James waited for him to figure it out, but, of course, nothing followed. He licked his lips and averted his eyes, trying to think of a position to lay in that wasn't so awkward as holding his head up on his elbow. However, after a little shifting, he ended up back in the same position and cleared his throat. "Did you… uh… wanna… talk? Maybe?"

Logan shrugged. "Maybe."

James hesitated, hoping Logan would go on, but when he didn't, he asked, "Were you dreaming or…?"

Logan squirmed a little, scrunching his face. "Uhm… sometimes I can't tell? I'm always so… I mean, I don't ever actually feel like I sleep at all… so I can't tell if I'm dreaming or just thinking…" He finally looked at James, leaning forward on his knees with a slight look of distress. "Does that make any sense?"

It didn't, really, not to James, but he nodded anyway. He weighed lying against Logan feeling misunderstood and chose the lie.

"Well, what were you thinking about?" he asked, finally pushing up to sit back against the headboard. He always tried not to take into account how strange their living arrangement was becoming: living together, but not as a couple; raising a child, but not as a couple; sharing a bed, but not as a couple. Just really, really good friends. James tried not to think about it. Especially now, when he was supposed to be listening to Logan.

Logan gave him a look that told James he should know exactly what Logan had been thinking about, but sighed and answered, "Just… how nothing is fair." James knew that wasn't a totally honest reply, but he let Logan continue. "It sounds so childish of me, and I feel so guilty every time I think about it, but what did I ever do to deserve this?"

He took a breath and shook his head in some internal argument that James wasn't invited to. Finally, Logan said, "It's just… so… hard. Taking care of a baby, studying, cooking, counseling—" Logan's voice broke a little, and James could tell he was embarrassed by it by the way he turned his face away, rubbing his temple, but he went on. "I hate that counselor more and more every time I have to go. She makes me leave Cam and talk about—about Camille, and I—I hate it, James."

Logan looked at James then, shaking his head with this pained expression, as if someone had punched a hole right through the middle of him, like in those sick thrillers James could never watch when he was younger because they gave him nightmares. James hurt, too, of course he did… but he knew enough that it was nothing compared to what Logan dealt with all the time and he didn't dare imagine it was.

The best he figured he could do was to tell Logan it would be alright, but how could he do such a thing? James didn't claim to be a psychic, or even wise, or even remotely intelligent, so what gave him the right to tell Logan that things would be alright?

"I'm sorry I'm… whining and moaning like this…" Logan whispered in a rasp when James didn't say anything, looking at the sheets wrapped around his legs. "I just feel like I can't have one happy moment when every time I turn around, there's something to remind me how much everything just… just _sucks_…"

James wanted to laugh at Logan's choice of phrasing, but he figured it was accurate, so he couldn't blame him. Things did suck. But, from James' perspective, fewer things sucked than didn't and Logan had a bright side to look on.

"Hey, it's okay, dude…" James said, reaching out and laying a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Complain all you want, seriously. I mean, if you want to talk ever, you really just… should. Just talk to me… not like I'm ever going to tell you to shut up."

Logan looked back over at him with a sort of forced smile before shifting back to sit next to him against the headboard. James took that as an invitation to continue talking. And also to just sort of ease his arm around Logan's shoulders, similar to how he had a couple months ago. Only this time, Logan just sighed and relaxed back into James' arm, didn't move into James' body or lay his head on his shoulder. James tried not to be disappointed.

"I know things are… pretty crappy," James continued. "But don't you have plenty of great stuff, too? I mean, you still have the guys, you have Cam—"

"You." James blinked, and then frowned at Logan questioningly, who still just stared straight ahead, but took a breath and clarified. "I'm glad you're here… It… it would be so much harder if you weren't here…" He looked at James again, and this time his smile was so much more genuine that James couldn't stop the way his heartbeat picked up.

It got especially difficult to fight his heart when Logan moved of his own accord to wrap his arms around James' neck, hugging him firmly. James hesitated, but definitely wasn't ready for Logan to pull away too soon, so he quickly caught up to the opportunity holding Logan tightly to him, hands steady on his back, feeling every breath through his spine. He refused to let go, but it didn't seem to matter; Logan wasn't trying to pull away at all.

James reminded himself yet again that no one really hugged Logan anymore. He wasn't a cold person, not nearly as distant from the world as some people assumed he was, so even Logan enjoyed a good hug every so often. But no one was really there to accept the task. None of the boys were as close as they used to be, physically or emotionally, nor were they really boys. They'd grown up, they'd moved into their own lives, separate from one another. Carlos was no longer there to playfully tackle Logan to the ground every day. Kendall couldn't give him so many reassuring pats on the back like he probably really needed at this point in his life. And James… well. James just didn't trust himself.

Camille had probably hugged him all the time. Among all the other things she'd done that made Logan feel good. And James just couldn't.

"I'm… really grateful for you, James," Logan muttered against his neck, and James hoped Logan couldn't feel how hot his skin got as he closed his eyes. It shouldn't have taken just that much, it shouldn't, James thought, trying to keep his imagination from running wild. He was a grown man, almost 24 at this point, he wasn't an anxious teenager desperate to be touched and loved anymore. This didn't mean anything, so he shouldn't have even allowed himself to believe it did, not a bit.

When Logan made no effort to move away, James wondered if he'd fallen asleep on him. Which… wouldn't have been too bad, he considered. He could stand to hold Logan through the night, really. But when he shifted to see for sure, Logan just lifted his chin from James' shoulder and raised his eyebrows at him questioningly for the movement.

James shouldn't have done what he did next. But he just couldn't get over how sad Logan was and how long it had been since he'd had a proper hug, and how long had it been since he'd had something else, too? Anything? Those things that used to remind him he was loved and needed?

He took Logan's chin in his hand and tilted his head to touch their lips softly together. Logan started to pull away, started to say something, but James only leaned in, kissing him with more emphasis this time. He'd resisted so long, lived in close quarters with not enough air to breathe, and now he was risking so much, but Logan's lips were soft and tasted like toothpaste and sleep and James just needed it right now. Not to mention that he thoroughly believed Logan did, too.

This theory was indulged when Logan didn't push or pull or struggle. He allowed James' lips to move slowly against his, holding his breath and keeping completely still. James was moving his hand from Logan's chin to cup his cheek when he realized how serious the repercussions of his actions could be. He pulled away to inspect Logan's face, feeling like he might throw up his own heart over what he just did.

Logan had his eyes closed, eyebrows knitted too close together and James thought maybe even his bottom lip was trembling nervously. He drew his thumb over it, the tiny tremor disappearing under his touch as Logan opened his eyes. James met them steadily, but he figured it was the lack of light that kept him from being able to read anything in them.

Logan stared hard at James and he was a little frightened that he had invoked some rage, as James was prone to do. However, after a moment of thoughtful frowning, Logan licked his lips and moved a hand up to the back of James' neck, guiding him back down to his mouth. James sucked in a gasp that was really some of Logan's breath before he returned to moving his lips gently, tenderly.

He shifted their positions, dropping an arm around Logan's waist to pull him closer and turned his body to face Logan better. Logan seemed to respond well, leaning more into the kiss like it was something exotic and he grasped for the front of James' shirt a little desperately. James got a little bold, and as soon as he felt Logan's lips part naturally, he slipped his tongue past them, grazing the edge of Logan's teeth.

Except maybe the way Logan was gripping his shirt wasn't desperation, it was fear and nerves and everything else that lived in Logan and constantly ruined good things. Logan suddenly broke the kiss off, pushing gently at James' stomach where fabric was bunched up in his hand. "James…" he whispered, shaking his head in a way that made James feel like his lungs were filling with liquid nitrogen or some other scary-sounding chemical substance. "James, I can't, I'm married—"

"You're widowed," James cut in, making Logan's lips snap shut in a line and his eyes try to harden, but they just couldn't seem to focus back on James.

"…it's wrong," Logan tried again.

"Does it feel wrong?"

Logan averted his gaze, looking across the room at the empty wall there. "…no."

"How does it feel?" James pressed anxiously. When Logan didn't answer, he asked, "Does it feel… bad?" He tried to keep the waver out of his voice, but he couldn't deny that he was nervous the answer might be "Yes."

Finally, after plenty of dead staring, Logan answered almost voicelessly, "…no."

"It feels good?" James jumped to, ducking his head to the side a bit to try and regain Logan's attention.

Logan turned his head back in James' direction, but looked down, hiding his face. "Stop…"

"Does it feel right?" James continued, leaning down now to recapture Logan's eyes, but it wasn't working as Logan fought to keep his gaze far down. "Logan? I need to know. Does it feel—"

Logan gave a slight jerk of his hand where it was still fisted in James' shirt and looked at him now, a little pleadingly as he said sharply, "Stop it."

But James was adamant. "I need you to tell me! How does it—"

"Just stop talking and do it again!" Logan snapped, much more forceful this time when he yanked James' shirt forward. His jaw was set in a way that contrasted with the uncertainty in his eyes.

James could hardly muster an, "…oh…" before Logan was pulling him back towards him by his shirt. Logan whispered, almost to himself, "It… it feels good. It feels good…"

His lips back on Logan's, James employed skills he hadn't touched on in quite a long while now, at least not since his focus had moved away from romantic prospects and on to Logan and his well-being. At least this time Logan was responding, tugging needily at the front of James' shirt, his fingers playing at the back of his neck, but staying firm. James was a little more vehement, pulling Logan into him by his waist, holding a hand hard at the small of his back. He'd been waiting too long for this, wanted it for too long to not go all in.

He could remember being sixteen and watching Logan whisper to himself through math problems, eyes fixated on well-shaped pink lips. Or staring at his hands as they fumbled over piano keys in an attempt to grasp music better, wanting nothing more than to have them attempting to grasp at his body instead.

And Logan was kissing back with shaking breath and wet tongue as if he'd been waiting and wanting even longer than James had. Maybe it was just the desperation to feel something physical again, the need for human touch and affection, but James liked to think it was because of _him_.

James' hand went naturally under the hem of Logan's shirt, smoothing across his lower back gently as Logan shifted forward, tucking his legs under him in order to lean closer to James. He responded with a small sound and a gentle push at James' stomach, but it subsided like an impulse reaction that he hadn't really meant. However, when James slid his thumb into the waist of Logan's sweatpants, that earned an extra reaction, a harder push at James and Logan actually leaned away, breaking this kiss off entirely.

"James, what—" he started, but James followed Logan's movement, reconnecting their mouths and licking into Logan's fervently, sure that this was only another unintentional break as he tugged at the elastic in Logan' pants in what he only meant to be a playful manner.

Except Logan shoved at him again, forceful this time and James withdrew immediately, getting the feeling that that _was_ intentional. "James!" he snapped, giving him the most disgusted look James thought he'd ever been met with. It stabbed into his center, up under his ribs and sliced his racing heart.

He just stared with slack lips, still slick from Logan's mouth, as Logan put distance between them on the bed and averted his eyes. "Logan, I—" he started, but he was interrupted by tiny sobs over the baby monitor and they both looked at it to see little green lights glow incessantly with Cam's cries.

James looked back just as Logan hurried out of bed like he couldn't get away fast enough. James made a hopeful grab for his hand, but Logan pulled it away at the last second, stepping far away from the bed and avoiding James' stare. "Logan, please," he tried again, breathless, air knocked out of him by invisible blows.

Logan just shook his head as if trying to physically get James' pleas out of it. "No, no, I need to take care of Cam, I'm going to take care of him, I'm going," he said over and over. But James felt hope rise in his stomach like something vile as Logan stopped at the door to actually look at him. All he said, though, was, "…don't follow me," very quietly before he disappeared around the corner into the nursery.

James fell back down into the pillows miserably. Of course he had to mess it up, he always had to do something wrong. Why couldn't he just make things right for Logan? For both of them? They were at the precipice of happiness, he could feel it every now and then, rushing up like waves and then away just as fast.

He closed his eyes in frustration and clutched the blankets near his face. James fell asleep waiting for Logan to come back, and when he woke up just hours later with the sun, he was still alone in a too-big bed.

...

Cake making wasn't easy, at least not for James, but at least he had gotten past the hard part. Cam's half-birthday party was supposed to be the next day and although Logan had said previously that he would help, James desperately wanted to make this cake on his own. Logan was handling the preparation of lunch for everyone, so the least James could do was bake a cake.

He was coming up on the actually difficult part now as he finished mixing the batter. Cam sat in his walker near James' feet, pushing around the kitchen every so often—in shoes, of course. Although it'd been two months since the glass incident, Logan still required that everyone wear thick-soled shoes in the kitchen.

Logan…

James hadn't gotten to talk to him all day. He was all over the apartment, cleaning unnecessarily, blowing up balloons, hanging streamers. The only words they'd exchanged were James telling Logan, "Cam can hang out in the kitchen while I make the cake," and Logan staring back without response for the longest time. James had seen the conflict behind his eyes, trying to decide if he was going to bring up the previous night or not.

He couldn't decide if he was relieved or disappointed when all Logan had said on his way out of the kitchen was, "Just don't let him get too close to the oven."

So that had been the extent of "talking about it." James wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. But at least he'd left Cam in the kitchen with him, James appreciated that.

James turned off the beaters in the bowl, deciding the mixture was sufficiently blended. So what if there was a dot of powder here and there? That wasn't going to kill anyone. Besides, his arm was getting tired. He unlocked the beaters from the handle and gave one a lick before dropping it in the sink.

A thought occurred to him before he licked the second beater and he hesitated, tongue out, ready to indulge in gooey, chocolatey deliciousness and glanced at Cam in his walker. He was smacking the spinning mirror on his walker repeatedly, entertaining himself with the movement. If he was old enough to chew soft foods to mush with his gums, surely he was old enough to lick a beater. Plus, licking the beater was a childhood pastime James barely ever took part in and he wanted Cam to have as many encounters with such a magical experience as possible.

"Hey, buddy," James cooed, his voice a little higher than he would normally use, and knelt in front of Cam's walker. Cam lit up at being paid attention to, slamming both hands on his tray in excitement. "Wanna taste chocolate? It's awesome," James offered, holding the beater out to the baby. "And contrary to popular belief, does not cause breakouts."

Cam's smile slunk a little as he stared in fascination at the beater and James couldn't help grinning to himself. Oh, he was going to love this. He watched as Cam slowly reached for the beater and wrapped his fingers around the handle, taking it from James' grasp and testing the weight for a moment. And then, just like everything else he ever grabbed, he put his mouth on the end. James actually had to laugh at the way Cam's eyes widened in bewilderment as his tongue poked all around the metal, lapping at batter and absorbing the new taste. It was already smeared all over his chin and nose, but James figured that didn't matter. Babies were washable.

James ruffled Cam's short curls and straightened back up and returned to the counter to finish his baking extravaganza. Okay, so it wasn't going to be the best cake in the world, but it would be good. Edible, at least. Assuming James got all the egg shell pieces...

"James! What the hell?"

He was just poking around with a fork inside the glass dish he'd poured the batter into, just to make sure, but jumped at Logan's shout and dropped the fork in the batter as he spun around in a panic. However, nothing was amiss. Cam seemed slightly shaken by Logan's entrance, but was still licking contentedly at his new favorite flavor, staring up at Logan next to him. James shook his head and held out his hands expectantly. "What?"

Logan looked furious, eyes sparking dangerously as he bent over to roughly snatch the beater out of Cam's hands. "What is this?" he demanded, shaking it at James like it was a foreign object. Cam shook a little from shock, but then slowly began to melt into long cries.

James was feeling similarly shocked as he just gaped at Logan. "Uhm, it's the beater from making the cake batter. What's wrong?"

"You can't give him this!"

"Why not? Logan, just give it back, he's crying…" James said, thoroughly confused at Logan's behavior. Even through all the counseling, all the bad days, Logan never snatched things from Cam, never yelled like this and made him cry. James moved to pick Cam up out of his walker to sooth him, feeling torn in half by his reddening face and tear-drenched eyes, but Logan grabbed his sleeve and pulled him away, toward the sink, putting himself between James and the walker.

"Don't touch him. Stop it," he snapped, thrusting the beater into James' shirt and successfully staining it with chocolate batter. "Take this, wash it off."

James didn't know what to think. Logan didn't talk to him like this, even when he was frustrated with him, he never told James things like not to touch Cam. "What? What do you mean _don't touch him_? What's the matter with you? He was enjoying it, it's just chocolate!"

"He's six months old! He can't have chocolate cake batter!" Logan shot back, throwing the beater forcefully into the sink himself when James didn't take it. The loud clang of metal caused Cam to scream and cry louder. Something seemed to click in Logan's head and he turned around, hastily scooping Cam into his arms and holding him close to his shoulder, despite the chocolate batter all over his face.

"Why the hell not? What is it going to hurt? It's _chocolate,_" James yelled, not quite meaning to let his volume raise like that.

"I said no, James! Goddammit!"

"What—Logan—look, I've read all the parenting magazines and books, I've researched, I'm not being stupid!"

"Why? I don't see why you read those damn things anyway! You aren't anyone's parent!"

James hesitated at that. It wasn't like he needed to be reminded that Cam wasn't his, that Logan wasn't his, that none of this life was his. He knew it and Logan knew he knew it, there was nothing James needed to be told. "…can we not do this today?"

"No, we're going to," Logan shot back immediately, not even allowing James to get every word out. "We've been over this. You can't take liberties as if you're Cam's father! You just aren't! You need to stop!"

"Logan, this isn't a big deal, it's just cake batter, so can you just… not?" It wasn't like this was nearly as bad as the glass thing, James had learned his lesson after that, and this was just a little bit of cake batter.

"No!" Logan practically screamed, and it wasn't doing anything to calm Cam's screeches of crying. "You—you said if I wanted to talk, I should, and you know what? I want to talk. I want to say—I want to say I hate this all! Everything! Being alone and not being the one to make Cam laugh and smile and—"

"You make him laugh and smile all the time!" James cut in. He didn't know where this all was coming from. Why was Logan just suddenly saying these things? What had James done to him?

"Not like you do. It just… it isn't fair! I want to make him laugh! I want to give him chocolate!" And now Logan seemed damn near crying, his voice thickening, but not giving way to his volume at all.

"Give him the chocolate, then, Logan! You're standing right here, he's crying, hand him the damn beater!" James shouted back, unable to calm himself now, not even for Cam's sake. He grabbed the beater out of the sink behind him and thrust it at Logan, who backed away.

"No, that—that isn't the point!"

"I don't get it, then! What is the point?"

"This isn't how it's supposed to be! I'm supposed to be happy!"

Again, James was caught off-guard. He lowered his hand, holding the beater at his side, practically forgotten in just a moment. "…you aren't happy? At all?"

"No!" Logan cried, incredulous at James' words. "God, James, my wife died! How am I supposed to be happy?"

"It's been six months, I thought you were getting better, I thought you were—"

"Moving on? To what, to you?"

"…I just thought—"

"No, James. This isn't right, what we're doing, it's—it's—"

"It isn't wrong, though! You're getting better, you're getting happier!"

"No, I'm not! I'm getting sadder! Every day she's gone, I miss her more and I'm sadder!"

"But… but you said last night that I was helping, that I made it less hard…"

"…sometimes you do. Sometimes it's nice to have someone else to lessen the load. But for the most part? All you do is remind me that I lost someone I loved. You make me wish she was here. Things would be so much easier if she were here…"

"But I'm here, Logan, I'm making things easier, I'm trying!" James tried taking another step toward Logan, reaching out to touch his arm, but Logan jerked away, clutching Cam to him protectively, as though James were going to take him away.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't be," he said.

That stopped James in his tracks, hand outstretched for Logan, fingers suddenly shaking a little. "…what?"

"Here. Maybe you shouldn't be here."

"…no… Logan, what are you saying?" He tried again to touch Logan, but again Logan turned away, this time going into the living room with the crying baby. James stumbled after him immediately.

"It's too difficult to see you every day and not her, James—"

"No, Logan, please," James pleaded. He couldn't leave this apartment, he couldn't leave Logan alone, he couldn't leave Cam and this life he'd begun to become so attached to. He didn't know what he would do without Logan and Cam now. They may not have been his, but they still were, they were his family and his constants, the things he couldn't have taken away.

But Logan wasn't hearing it. "I would rather be alone than have to see you every day and be reminded—"  
>"Please, don't do this, I can't—"<p>

"I lost her, it isn't like we split, I lost her—"

"I don't want to—"

"You can't replace her, James, I can't let you replace her."

"I'm not trying to! I just want to help! Please! I—I love it here, I love being here, I love helping you, I love Cam—"

"Stop it! No!" Logan snapped, levels leaping back up high as he turned back on James, but he only looked him in the eye before he had to look away. "Don't say it. James, come on, this is hard enough, don't make it worse, please…"

"…you want me to move back out," James said weakly, although the fact had already been made very apparent.

"I… I just think it's time you go back to your own place…" Logan's temper seemed to be ebbing away now, shame overtaking. Cam was gasping his breaths on Logan's shoulder, still soaking it in tears and chocolatey slobber.

"…can't I… Can I have one more chance? Another day? To prove I should be here?" James heard the desperation in his own voice, the tremor and fear.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you and I both know I'll change my mind out of guilt and I don't want to." Logan finally met James' eyes and James almost wished he hadn't. The stoney coldness there was almost too much for him to handle. "Please go get your things together."

But James thought, behind the carefully structured walls Logan was building around himself, he could see a glimmer of something different. "…this has nothing to do with Cam or the magazines, does it, it's because of last night, isn't it—"

"Please. Just… get your things together." Logan turned away again, bouncing Cam gently as he walked to the window.

"Now?"

"Yes."

"But the party—"

"I'll call everyone and tell them it's off. Whatever. I don't care. I didn't want to have this stupid thing in the first place. Just go."

James didn't move for a long moment. He couldn't believe this was happening. He felt like he'd been climbing a tree and had his foot slip on a branch. He couldn't catch onto anything and he didn't know how far down he had to fall. This was just so sudden. Five minutes ago he'd been baking a cake—a cake that would now go unbaked and wasted—and giggling with Cam over discoveries and new experiences... and now he was getting kicked out. Being exiled to his own, lonely bachelor pad in a completely different part of town. Everything he loved was being taken away.

But Logan wasn't moving. He wasn't turning around to see if James was going anywhere, and it was clear he wasn't taking anything back. He'd said his peace and wanted nothing more to do with James, who wanted everything to do with him. As much as it hurt to give up, James didn't have any option but to turn and walk slowly back to the nursery to pack his things up.


End file.
